Come, rest your head
in a valley near a stream
where elegance blooms
and men-- free to dream
Not a day goes by
when i don't visit this place
All the hope in the world,
with serene, silent grace
Thoughts and minds wander
to whatever they desire
and women set their hearts free
and warm them by the fire
Cry if you must
but laugh if you can
when the beauty of children
flows like wind through the land
Imagining castles and heroic deeds
innocent minds with innocent creeds
The depth of emotion
is quite hard to swallow
because everyone knows
sweet nights will follow
Each beating heart rests
Breathing deep sighs of relief
when the moon sets
there will no longer be grief
Author notes
Please be critical.
The first thing I have been able to write in a year and a half. Hope you enjoy, and please, be extrememly truthful.
Comments
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Loved "cry if you must, but laugh if you can"!
The concluding stanza gave a sense of a peaceful refuge, and a promise of a brighter and happier morning to come.
I'm a little confused with lines 3-4, do the men bloom, or perhaps 'free[ly] dream'? I liked "set their hearts free [to] warm...by the fire."
Personal preference, I would look for another word to add an extra flavor or concept instead of repeating "innocent," perhaps valiant or angelic or somesuch.
I think I'm missing something in the next to last stanza. All the others have been so peaceful and idyllic, and this one seems a little dark. "Depth of emotion is quite hard to swallow...because sweet nights will follow" almost sounds like one's tenderness will be taken advantage of and then spurned. Which seems out of place with the rest of the write, so I must be missing something.
This write gives an overall sense of a peaceful refuge and healing place. Maybe something along the lines of Haven Home for a title? In any case, I expect you'll come up with a good one! Write on!
best wishes, and a Winkling Welcome!
Mirthryl
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Your lyrical poem
has a sweet, melodic flow that is winsome. The repetition of "innocent" does not bother me.
I loved lots of your lines. If I had to quote a couple that tickled they would be:
"Cry if you must
but laugh if you can."
Not a bad way to be!!
Perhaps "Utopian Grace" would be an apt title. What do you think? Ron.
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Thank you for the applause... and thank you for the title suggestion. I do appreciate any suggestions.
I'll definitely take it under consideration...
Much love, as always,
Bubbles
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This has a light whispy flow to it though there is obviously some deep contemplation underlining it.
In this passage "Imagining castles and heroic deeds
innocent minds with innocent creeds" the doubling up of "innocent" could possibly be ammended with substituting the first occurence with "callow" meaning youthful.
Glad to have you back and freely expressing yourself again, love Uncle Panther.
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