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Eden fled for I was there


I am the kiss of Abaddon,
who spurned His gaze from Me;
the Shining One, I slithered stars
across this scorned horizon


glittering abyss winked out
temptation - black

as slighted vanity;


shooting apples fall
onto your pomegranate lips -
a Snow White hiss
embraced by forkéd tongue


serpentine anguish;
beneath this belly crawl
to rub the Earth
with salt and sweat
while coiling doubts
constrict


I am the seed of good
and evil


wantonly planted;
my roots devour



all

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Prompt: http://img.blog.yahoo.co.kr/ybi/1/0e/92/jazznclimb/folder/25/img_25_306_7?1203640699.jpg

Abaddon is a synonym for Hell as well as one of the greater denizens
of it. Both apples (Wrongly) and pomegranates are symbols of
temptation, they connect to the fruit that Satan offers. My snake
imagery through connects with the obviously serpent form of Satan,
and the star imagery to connect to the cosmos or 'heaven' and the
concept of God. The end, of course refers to the tree of good and
evil featured in the painting. So my poem was directly inspired by
the tale told within the painting, and my imagery born from its
various elements.

For Most Improved.

A contest entry

Critical Review Desired and NEEDED

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Comments

1 - 20 of 20

  • sideways hourglass
    September 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    as for stanza three...

    "shooting apples fall
    onto your pomegranate lips -
    a Snow White hiss
    embraced by forkéd tongue"

    -why am i taking this in such a perverted way?

    i liked how you were subtle.

    What made it seemed cliche though is the forked tongue part...otherwise it was very clever.


  • sideways hourglass
    September 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "forkéd tongue" - overused.
    the ending was...well it wasn't bad, but it could have been better.

    i loved the beginning, it was brilliant.

    but yeah, otherwise, nijole pretty much said it all.


  • Manoj Sanyal
    September 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Your AN helped me to understand the poem better... thank you.
    Mythological and deep...
    Best wishes and good luck,


  • Hadji Murad
    September 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I believe, if my mythology is correct:
    Abaddon is one of the angels in hell, and is the eternal pit in Paradise Lost.



    Anywho

    This is probably the most impressive, well-written thing I have read by you, and I've read in general in a really long while. Like

    God, this is absolutely orgasmic. Rub the earth with salt...

    Honestly, can I steal that line? It's so amazing. I wish I had thought of that. I'm jealous. I am so jealous.

    The ending is spectacular. Overall this is like...your best work I think.

    I <3 You [poetically]


    • Age of Rain
      September 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      You are right in the specifics. It IS a uncommon synonym for hell, however, and I felt more appropriate than saying "I am the kiss of Hell" not so catchy... *laughs* Thanks for your compliments, I am honored that you think this is my best. There is so much I have to perfect in this I think.

  • unraveled
    September 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    It's wonderful how well this read through, it was simple enough to read fluidly, and the meter was also fluid. That was what I noticed most about this... and that your imagery is abundant and well-developed. The end wasn't really a "whammy", but I don't think that is a requirement for great poetry, so it's fine. Nicely done friend
    -cassidy


    • Age of Rain
      September 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you! I am glad you thought this fluid, I actually kept wanting to turn this into some kind of form piece, like a 'Retourne.' The first line is exactly 8 syllables, seemed to me to read with that sort of flow. That is, perhaps, my favorite part of this piece, and so I think it wonderful that you picked up on it.


  • Mad As Rabbits
    September 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Haha awesome that we both decided to take a little trip to Eden

    "glittering abyss winked out
    temptation" I really liked this, it was a cool image. I am also really partial to the word abyss for some reason I have yet to find out.

    "shooting apples fall
    onto your pomegranate lips -
    a Snow White hiss
    embraced by forkéd tongue" This whole stanza=loveeee.

    I loved this whole piece, but for some reason the ending didn't really do it for me. I liked the concept and the message and all, but whether it's because you could have worded and described it better, or because I much preferred the rest of the piece, I don't know.

    I really liked the snake references throughout.

    Overall, awesome job.

    Love Always,

    Caroline


    • Age of Rain
      September 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you VERY much for your feedback! I do agree this is not my strongest end, I just don't have any idea how to make it better. *shrugs*

  • xJustifiablyMex gold member
    September 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Stanza 1 is a little harsh on the eyes with all the capital letters.

    Stanza 2 is excellent.

    Stanza 3 - I'm not sure about this one and I honestly don't know why...perhaps Carl will nail that.

    Stanza 4 - again, an excellent stanza.

    I'm not sure about the ending, it seemed a little lame compared to the rest of the piece. For me, there's a bit of hit & miss with this piece...but probably because I know you can do much better in places.


    Nijole


    • Age of Rain
      September 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for that (and for your other critiques). I happen to agree completely with your statements. I find that this did not feel like one of my best, and I have been trying to improve upon it. All the best,

      Marty


  • rollingzen
    September 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    welldone


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    September 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Brilliant write... you have captured the essence of the downfall of Eden.. the seed of good and evil is in fact the desire for knowledge and independence from a higher power and not subjecting to it's rule (ok.. I'll stop going all biblical on ya lol)..

    Anyway, this is fantastically written!


  • delightfulmess silver member
    September 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    WOW!
    As Always this is spendid!!!
    Excellent depth and intense imagery.

    I so enjoyed and have missed your writing while I was away. I look forward to catching up.



    Delila


  • SoldiersRain
    September 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Great, great, great write. Thanks for sharing.


  • trekkergirl
    September 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    oh this is sooooo good. Thanks for sharing


  • notorious gold member
    September 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Forgot to say I fancied the title.


  • notorious gold member
    September 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I'm not sure if you need your AN's explanation--it feels like you're giving away the entire story that way.

    pomegrantes<--you have a typo in your AN. Should be==>pomegranates

    Okay, & now the actual poem.

    'turned'<--I think this word could be replaced with something that sounds more sinister/ethereal (but not pretentious LoL). For me, 'turned' is just a genial, generic word, which this poem definitely isn't.

    "across a scorned horizon"
    You could do with or w/o the 'a'. I like the personification of the horizon for sure..."scorned horizon" sounds good together.

    S2--'glittering' 'shooting'
    2 gerunds! I actually think 'glittering' could be 'shiny' (more of an unexpected word in a weird way, I think) & 'shooting' could easily be 'shot' or 'cannoned' or something else.

    Also, do you need the 'out' in "winked out"?

    e.g. shiny abyss winked [out]
    temptation,
    and cannoned apples fell"

    Your 'and' could also be an 'as', to make it REALLY feel like both of those actions happen at the same time.

    Or not...LoL.

    "pomegranate lips"
    Have you used this phrase before?? It sounds vaguely familiar.

    "forkéd
    tongue"
    I don't see why 'forked' can't be on the same line as 'tongue', but then again...I didn't write this.
    Okay...so what does the accent on the 'e' of 'forked' signify?
    Also..."forked tongue" is a phrase I've heard so often I could drive a spork up my own nonexistent dick.
    To be fair, it has an accent (French, I would assume???) that might change the meaning I think it has.
    You need to explain that one to me...

    "a Snow White hiss"
    That's genius, although it makes me wonder to its meaning. Wasn't Snow White a bland, vulnerable girl considered to be beautiful?? 'hiss' seems to counteract that, which of course...makes it even more intriguing. Nice phrase.

    The stanza about the serpent...my favorite. I am a sucker for snake metaphors done well.

    "I am the seed of good
    and evil

    my roots devour/all"
    I think you should lose the "I am". The 'my' in "my roots devour" already implies you are talking about yourself (or the voice of the poem), so it's kind of unnecessary, although I suppose "I am" does heighten the drama...still, it feels to obvious there for me.

    Are you going to bring out the e-slap? (To use JP's favored phrase...)

    Jessica


  • Reptile Lady gold member
    September 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Read the poem before looking at the image
    The devil snake !
    You my nephew has written a wonderful write here
    Almost a sensual aspect in part
    Sorry I cannot fault you.. my humble apologies !
    Love Auntie


  • marc creamore
    September 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for this remarkable poem and for the enlightening notes that followed it . . .

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