I crawl into your heart
when noboby's watching,
looking for a memento
to help mend crooked ways
- a reminder of how it could have been,
a taste of another time,
another life
Creeping over thoughts,
trying to get in
when your guard drops,
to rattle at insecurities,
- stain firm beliefs,
break the faith
I crane;
a glimpse
though slightly opened curtains,
to see the hidden you,
and store as ammunition
for when I shoot my mouth off
- if I'm cornered by deceit
or trepidation
I crouch a little closer,
holding the safety switch,
always ready to get back in line,
back to the crowds of 'wanna be's'
- hoping you'll let me in... to play,
for a few fractured moments
while passing through.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Love the title and intriguing write... am thinking on Hank and thought I'd check out your work. I sort of would rather write to him; he is one of my boyfriends.
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Thanks
. Any way to Hank will do!
Wishes -MJ
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Really like the opening stanza, it is simple but it speaks volumes.
I understand the opening lines in each stanza but they are just a bit too similar for me, I'd like to see you change up the wording a bit.
In stanza two, I would leave out the second line, I just don't think its needed.
I think the third stanza is my favorite, it has a good balance of imagery and emotion.
Overall a good write
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Thankyou
Just wanted to say thanks for you're constructive comment on my entry earlier today. I was on the bus to work when I sent it (iPhone). I worked on it for 30 mins after your comment, then lost the whole edit before I could submit - a bump on the road and a wayward stroke of the finger.
Anyway, I will edit it again soon, using your ideas for further inspiration.
Wishes -Emmjay
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Very creative description of the multiple ways we desire to be(come) part of our beloved's life, to be more important, or at least get noticed... both a little sad, and a bit hopeful. Exellent flow, and love the last two lines!
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wow the way you describe this i can actually see someone crawling along getting ready to pounce on someone. This is a very well written, and creative write. Great job
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Wow the work you have created here is wonderfully crafted, and very strong, there is a very gritty true to life feel about it, I CAN FAIRLY SEE THE PERSON IN THE POEM CREEPING ABOUT ON THE EDGES OF HER LOVERS LIFE WISHING HE WOULD DRAW HER IN IT SEEMS TO BE SET IN HALF LIGHT, AND I WANT TO LEAD HER AWAY AND TELL HER SHE IS WORTH MORE THAN A FEW STOLEN MOMENTS VERY WELL WRITTEN INDEED AND LOVELY IMAGRY LITTLEFISHONE
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