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Frayed



I detect your intent, it's there in your scent,
carnal boldness I used to resent.
If I give my consent, we'll begin our ascent
on this flight I've fought long to prevent.



The black hole in your soul might just swallow me whole,
it's a force far beyond my control.
Time is taking it's toll, you are nearing your goal,
my inner child's getting hard to console.



Dark are the days as my innocence frays,
and my whitewashed enamel decays.
Locked in your gaze, black and white become grays,
as one touch sets my future ablaze.

 

 

 

A contest entry

how's the flow?

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Glasyalabolas
    October 12, 2008

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    To be so emotive whilst keeping a clear and flowing rhyming scheme is often very difficult to do but this piece pulls it off very well.

    Good write.


  • RestlessDreamer
    September 17, 2008

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    Wow, I can really relate to this. I went through what seems like the same thing as you. That is what my poem that I entered into your contest was inspired by. You wrote this beautifully, and I especially like your rhyming. Great job!


  • Charity Ann
    September 16, 2008

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    I really liked the last stanza the best. I also really liked the rhyming pattern...my favorite line: Locked in your gaze, black and white become grays...very nice. Although I think the title is a little misleading. I thought I was reading about a pedophile until I read your AN's. Might want to reconsider the title??? Not sure why you picked it. I think it's a really good poem.


  • Quaz
    September 13, 2008

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    Very powerful. I could easily tell what it was about, but not in the usual direct words that people will otherwise use to get the point across. No, the usage of fairly simple images and symbolism helps punctuate the point, which is fantastic.

    As for the flow of the poem, the first line had three rhymes, which honestly felt just a tad askew by comparison to the rest of the poem, which I have no quabbles with. The less-than-defined structure you used works well.

    Very good.


  • BuriedTreasures silver member
    September 11, 2008
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    Excellent flow of the unforced rhyming verse!
    Very Very Well Done!!


  • frownsnfreckles
    September 10, 2008

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    a very powerful write, you express the confusion of feelings and the swing between fear and excitement with a skill that reflects you didn't get lost. Great strength shines through the control in the verse, well done.


  • Iyaden
    September 10, 2008

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    Incredible !!! You seem to have a very asymmetric stanza format but the rhyming is perfect. What I find most pleasing is that dont seem to be forced into rhyming and your concept unfolds beautifully.

1 - 7 of 7