Her boy was decapitated one day
And she was the only one to stay
For the others all walked away
This man had a face no more
It looked as if he was a sore
He was no model like before
As the days went on
All her friends were gone
She waited and waited just maybe for a new dawn
Her love never faded
But what she really hated
Was that her heart was debated
The weight of the world was on her shoulders
The childens words and glares were to her great horrors
But this can only be seen by the eyes of the beholders
She grew more and more weary
Each day became more dreary
Her smile was no more cheery
She went to draw her bath one night
She didn't realize until she was caught in sight
That the power of death was ready to smite
As the water continued to flow
She grabbed a knife by its bow
And faintly the red began to show
As the bath began to flood
The water turned to blood
She said her goodbye to her once handsome stud
She was driven mad, mad by the plees
You may think that it would be a breeze
But for this young girl, it made time freeze
Author notes
sorry for the word flowing problem, i couldnt think..lol way too late to think
A contest entry
- Insanity-no rules just write by catalyst..
315 points, ended September 11, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Emotion by Ltecho13.
1800 points, ended October 1, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Bad news first...
Eh, the premise behind this poem is a good one; props to you for a great starting-idea. But, to be honest, I really dislike rhyme in general, not to mention that most of the rhyme here is very basic; read forced.
I also noticed quite a few words used incorrectly:
"It looked as if he was a sore"- take out the A. It doesn't need to be there.
"Her heart was debated" - I think 'divided' is the word you're looking for, though it would mess up your rhyme.
"Her smile was no more cheery"- should be "no longer".
There were also quite a few typos:
-"childens" should be "children's"
-"plees" should be "pleas".
Another suggestion: I noticed you switched tenses, as well as perspectives, quite a few times; it's ultimately distracting, so my advice is to pick one tense and stick with it.
In the second-last stanza, the word "stud" is too harsh for the rest of the poem. It really doesn't fit the mood you were going for. Perhaps "prince" would work better, but again, it messes up your rhyme-scheme.
Now, for the good news:
My favourite lines were:
"as the bath began to flood
The water turned to blood
She said her goodbye to her once handsome -"
(I left out the word "stud", but the rest of that stanza was fabulous!)
and
"For this young girl, it made time freeze". Lovely imagery there!
With a few edits, this could definitely be spectacular! Thank you for entering.
Laura, aka Immortal
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She was driven mad, mad by the plees
You may think that it would be a breeze
But for this young girl, it made time freeze
great ending i really like how you made the story unfold and turned it back on the reader at the end -
Wow, very powerful. And beautiful in a way.
You don't have any reason to apologize for anything..
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