September 10, 2008
Dear friend,
My mind can't seem to stay on one subject. When I think of one thing it leads to another and so on. It's driving me crazy. No matter how I spin the thoughts around nothing seems solid, concrete. I don't know what to do. I know taking one step at a time is best, but where does one begin? I seem unable to find a root to my problems. Every day seems like a chore.
I'm 20 years old, living with a cousin, no boyfriend; ever and I feel like a failure. I have taken three meaningless jobs in the last two years. I am still currently working with two of them but I'm putting in my two weeks notice at the end of this month for one. I wish to quite the other and find a new job. My only problem is I do not wish to be tied down to a desk job. I don't like commitment, well rather I fear it. Except one must have a job to survive in this world.
I believe my cousin has a delusion of living with me for two or more years. I really don't like the thought of that. He grew up sheltered from most all that was basic survival. I believe he needs to step on his own two feet. Yet for him to do that he needs credit history which he doesn't have much of for his own safety. Although I guess it is unfair to say he is depending on me when I myself is depending on him as well. (God I'm such a hypocrite *shakes head*) I do not have any desire to live off one another but what else am I to do. I know I can't make it on my own, not with the avoidance of jobs that may be better for me....
I grew up in a village where one is practically related to all who lives there. I was taught going out with ones cousin is not a very good idea. The baby would then be a bastard. My grandmother also had a way with words when she scared me. I didn't trust a lot growing up. I still don't. The only way I knew how to get along with the guys was becoming one of them. When I got into high school I knew it was too late. None of them would look at me the way I wished for. I was just one of the guys until I graduated.
Some days, when this, my mind is out of control I wish there was a way to escape. I'm 20 though and now better. My question is how do I get from point 'A' to point 'Z' without my dilemmas screwing me over. I know I cause my own problems. I choose it.
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