We first met when shadows
held her tongue, kiss
still cold looks to burn
hearth empty yearns.
Called me her shadow cleaner.
In the sunlight, valleys'
fecund fields replete,
ready to sigh, yield to reap.
Clear the nests from the eaves.
Released, she took flight,
sought the sun to melt.
She would fall into my arms.
Down tickles my chin.
12:31 PM
09/09/08
Alexandria, VA
Author notes
image; http://imagecache5.art.com/images/-/ronnie-hedge/print/L-6-663-bald_eagle-Z000CAXA.jpg
The picture is only here because is supports some of the senses in the poem. But, the poem is not about the picture.
Please tell me what you think, what it makes you feel, how you are moved.
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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Thanks for entering Daedalus becomes teacher in the contest, tomisb. I appreciate it.
The poem's opening eight words really pulled me in. Clearly, this is metaphoric but the metaphor still a mystery so we go deeper, drawn first by curiousity and then the insistence of the imagery. The idea of a "shadow cleaner" is brand new to me and that's very exciting. Confess, I did have a problem with the flow and I hope it's just a punctuation issue. My trouble started at the end of line 3. I want to put a comma there for the same reason there is a comma after the word "tongue". Again, I found myself reading a comma after "valleys" at the end of line 6 for the same reason there is a comma after "sunlight" and "replete". Now, in the rhythm I've set up, my eye puts another comma between "sigh" and "yield" in line 8. I hope I'm reading it right, Tomis, because I like it.
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I didn't learn to punctuate until returned to college at thirty. In this poem it is particularly important. I punctuate and break at another point to create different layers of meaning as well as to work with the way I read. "Shadows held her tongue" all the pain wrapped around her words. now kiss I want on that line because of the thoughts of french kisses both past and present and maybe, if the I in this poem is lucky, the future. Maybe one after kiss but I thought the line break took care of that.
Line six, I thought a prepositonal phrase at the start of a sentence required a comma. Now, the comma after valleys -- here is where I get myself in trouble. "fecund fields replete" are not another area but in the valleys or do I not have that control and vallys requires a comma. If you know the answer to this grammatically, tell me. Yeah, if I understand the meaning of the comma between sigh and yield a comma would be fine. But I would love to know the reason why.
It strikes me that the real issue is in the third line. The other commas are grammatical necessities for one reason or another. Grammatical rules often sound fine to me in print but the exceptions and qualifications begin to make them sound like nonsense in application. I know that this is not true but I am often mystified by what the comma does and when a colon is better than a dash or comma and so on. Sigh.
The third line is crucial to me is well because it allows me to make shadows a definite type of metaphor, layer in sexual innuendo for the confusion it creates in life. Reapeat shadow with a shift in it and then in cleaning the eaves have it understood.
I hope this helps. Because I appreciate how much help I need mechanically.
Look forward to your response. I don't do these editorial and critique responses in IM's. Two reasons: 1. I think it provides a publice forum that will serve others besides myself. 2. I long ago got over taking most comments personally.
Thanks, I appreciate the support and help,
Tom B.
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Gorgeous penning Tomis....I love to ponder after a long day ~
God bless you and your talent,
Bro Bear ~
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The two uses of shadow important to theme. The contexts are different and show the shift not just in meaning but between the participants. just as a repeated line should gain in meaning and even shift in meaning as it moves through the poem so can a word used more than once. Don't limit yourself and think, could I have not reason and purpose you might miss by dismissing too quickly.
Peace & Light,
Tom B. -
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Ok...but still not a fan of repeating within a few lines my dear Big Brother
Bear ~ -
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Opinions and preferences are the mark of a true stylist and artist.
Love, Tom B.
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i like the line "called me her shadow cleaner..." it made me smile and drift into a wonderful image. Very well done, Poet. Love, Lane
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I will write a poem someday centered on this subject. For now it was just the spark that led to this poem. Thank you
Love, Tom B.
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More coffee and now more understanding.
I was thinking to shallow,deeper i read to see the prisms within.
s a silly
Seeing so much beauty,then not placing the beauty where the intended wonderment plays.
My favorite lines,
Clear the nests from the eaves.
Released, she took flight,
sought the sun to melt.
She would fall into my arms.
These words take life of their own.
Hugs
and
love,
~Lisa~
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I can generally only review three poems a day. Things begin to turn into mush after that. A really good reveiw can stop me at one poem. Poetry really demands participation and partnering with. It gives us so much, but we have to be open and vulnerable to it.
I have a tangental thought pattern with thousands of useless little dazzeling goodies lining the shelves of my brain. Quite a workshop for my elves. I fell in love with the idea of being a shadow cleaner. Might right a large poem on just that subject, but that is for later.
This one tuned out to be about soaring and flight and freedom. How we give it to each other, how we must learn to trust to set it free. There is a lot going on in these short words. Just like we say I love you sometimes to avoid spilling out an encyclopedia of thoughts.
Love, Tom B. -
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"I have a tangental thought pattern with thousands of useless little dazzeling goodies lining the shelves of my brain."
useless i beg to differ
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Read "The Artist As A Young Man" by James Joyce. I think you will love it.
Tom B.
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"called me her shadow cleaner"
Loved that. Shadows hide so much and it should be as lovely in shadow as in sunlight...especially as shadow is often refuge. ~ Karen
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When it is just dark and light, so much is a refuge for the heart to take. When it becomes a place of secrets and sins then the shadows begin to close in. Yeah, that phrase is the phrase the poem got created around. Glad you enjoyed it so.
Love,
Tom B.
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Yes indeed. Tight, and yet the more you look at the words/work the more it releases. Excellent.
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I thought you would appreciate it or tell me if it was nonsense and I had fallen from the cliffs of Objectivity to the marsh of subjectivity. Glad you enjoyed this sorty into short verse.
Peace,
Tom B.
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I like the way this finds, tempts and rescues all at once lol I suspect a bird of many feathers didn't have a lot to do with this considering the sensual nature of the piece and I do so love the idea of being a shadow cleaner as if the person gives you a sense of pure light. C
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No, it is just a romanticized version of man's search for flight I just saw it. The shadows are weight. Or maybe it is the feeling of eider down as you tumble . . .
You catch several layers of this dance for Light. Thanks for sharing your vision.
Love, Tom B.
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I don't think any could make that mistake.
This delves into sensuality and completes
itself in what is left unsaid, but felt.
It has occurred to me how similar we are
in expressive vocabulary...
'fecund, replete, hearth, eaves' all are
very familiar to me and so appreciated in
the read. Yes, adjectives are a poet's ally.
This is an exceptional example. Blue
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I got this with the phrase "shadow cleaner" It wrote itself in rough little stanzas and then I played around with the order, until at last in revelation and laughter I saw the path from all the clues. I like words of ripeness, like fecund and replete. I enjoy words with multiple meanings such as sanguine. Wisdom as red. Pun intended.
This one allowed me to be both support, temptor and rescuer. Such a grand adventure without leaving my desk.
Love, Tom B.
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This is a beautifully sewn piece. I love the warm and cold light and dark contradictions and comparisons because they can work for everything the human mind can come up with. It flows and sings of free love and its many depths.
Clear the nests from the eaves.
Released, she took flight,
sought the sun to melt.
She would fall into my arms.
This stanza was my favorite; it reminded me of a poem a friend once wrote called Woman of the Wind. beautiful words from a beautiful soul.
Jordanne
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There are a number of allusions, both literary and mythological. i wanted to capture how love in a relationship often creates an awakening, a personal discovery. Icahris would love how you enjoyed the last stanza.
thanks for the sweet note.
Love Tom B.
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