Upon the wall, in coloured streaks,
I lay my soul down bare.
My final sin held alone,
Drawing corrupted virtue to my heart.
Your form entertains my dark thoughts;
An imagined caress across your thighs,
A lustful crimson forming blood
From snow once so pure.
The black night smeared across the wall,
Makes it crumble at my touch,
To betray my deepest desires
And sing of my own damnation.
Temptation lies just within passion,
Hanging judgement around my neck.
The noose tightens; string me up,
Let me hang in this desire.
My hand creeps closer to your warmth,
But you transform into wind,
Leaving chaos in my veins,
Burning up my love.
You lie too close and I taste you in the air.
You control my life;
Your signature branded into my skin
Is a searing kiss of Hell.
My sin, my soul, in death I still bear;
Judgment has come too soon.
And the mocking cry upon my wall,
Is my unending lust for you.
Author notes
name: For-da-luv-of-EL
ANY TYPES OF COMMENTS ARE WELCOME! HELP ME IMPROVE! XP...*
A contest entry
- Because You Want To Be Challenged, Right? by HagarenHanyou.
900 points, ended October 16, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Goodbye Poetry by poppa.
14089 points, ended October 18, 2008, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your favourite poem! by forbidden-colour.
550 points, ended July 8, 142 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Vampire's.. not one thing I had expected!
Thank you for entering, this was certainly interesting!
Good luck.
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I see some very nice things happening here some very poetic language, my teacher once said, when I said poetry is abstract, "Use concrete langauge" not only poetice language but enough concrete language for the reader to get what he needs out of the poem,enjoyed
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good
Thought it was good liked the strong imagery and emotion. im not a great poet so wouldnt have a clue on any way to improve it, if any.
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I like the poem. You have a well established tone of dark foreboding and I really like some of the imagery.
My suggestions are: Improve the flow of the poem. Make it read well aloud, more fluid, as if it fell off your tongue into a golden stream.
Also, I do think that "streaks" and "smeared" relating to the "wall" are too similar. BUT, that might just be me.
Good luck to you. ~ Joyce
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You have raised the bar for so many poets out there, I really am speechless don’t know where to begin!
If I were to pick which stanza I liked the best I’ll have to copy and paste the whole poem… its breathtaking!
You combined, intimacy, passion, lust, desires and a darker, tainted - side of love - its surreal!
Use of imagery and choice of words is mastered, flow is perfect and your very creative with such a vivid, comprehensive imagination.
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Hello there.
A driving toward something that can be abstract and yet
visual in the very structural way this poem describes a 'non' virtue.
It tilts the reader and builds up with subtlties of carnality.
Only suggestion I would have is to maybe economise this a little. Yes, I know. It is the part I don't like doing as well, but I think it could say much more if it is more succinctly stated. If not, lift up on the punctuation a bit.
I wish you the best. Warmly, Cookie -
This has potential. strong opening stanza, consider rewording the last half of second stanza. "hanging judgement ON my neck" or hanging judgement about my neck, around my neck... on my neck just doesnt seem to flow; atleast not in my mind,but then thats a warped rhetorical stance to start with. anyhoo... line 18 omit "the" , line 13 and 19 both use "passion", ya might try a more evoking synonym. I hope these opinions were found helpful and contructive and not overly analytical or condescending. Again, you have a rather interesting write of potential here. kudos.
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Thanks! I didn't actually catch the reuse of 'passion'. Usually i try to stay away from using the same word if i can, unless it's to add a certain emphasis. And i see what you mean about "hanging judgement..." I agree! And if you want to be 'overly analytical', then i can only say i would love you to do it! ^.^
Thankyou!
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One more thing, I love this line
"You lie too close and I taste you in the air."
But I think it's counterpart should maybe be irked a bit to fit with it.
"You control my life;
Your signature branded into my skin
Is a searing kiss of Hell."
The searing kiss of hell heads down an opposite road I feel.
Just an idea
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Thank you for your comments!
The 'searing kiss' bit is supposed to promote the fact that ... er... she's tempting the guy...and leading him the wrong way...down the wrong path...*goes back and re-reads*...and that she's has him by the neck, pushing him straight into 'hell'...-_-
But i see what you mean... XP haha, i'll have to revise that! Thankyou! -
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Wow, that puts it into new perspective, but as I read, it still seems to me that he is the one more in control. But It seems that one re-read and I get a totally new thought of malice and destructive desire...it grows deeper, maybe I will have to reread again tomorrow and see what comes to me
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This is pretty steamy without being over the top. The language was wonderful and you captured the emotional desire perfectly.
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i enjoyed this poem however felt that the flow seemed slightly tetchy in a few places other thaqn that i enjoyed it, well done.
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For someone your age I have to say this is very impressive.
Your seem to have a gift for articulating your emotional state, as well as offering great imagery and a sense of macabre to something that at it's core can be quite beautiful, yet very treacherous.
Well done.
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Thankyou very much for you comment.
But i have to ask; can you tell me where it seems wrong? What i can do better? I need some honest opinion, so that i can improve -_- i'm not going to get anywhere otherwise, lol.
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