This is it.
Take one last breath,
and say your good byes.
You'll finally succeed after so many tries.
Walk into the ocean,
your foot-prints are fading.
Kill yourself now,
'cause everyone's waiting.
What do you want?
How do you feel?
It takes but a step to finish the deal.
Plunge into the sea,
gone is your fear.
And so like a book,
Your story ends here.
Author notes
Before you give me your harshest (I want honesty), I would like you to make a note that I really don't want you to tell me how overdone the topic of suicide is. I'm a writer and I already know how cliche of a topic it is. But honestly, most suicide poems are whiny pleas. This isn't a plea, a cry for help or attention. It's a narrator describing someone about to dive into the deep pits of death, knowingly, willingly. They've already got their mind made up, they aren't looking for help. It isn't just what the subject of my poem wants, it is what they NEED. Thanks for reading. I really appreciate it. Now go ahead, give me your best critique.
How does my poem make you react?
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Well, this was okay. To be honest, it didn't exactly WOW me... Suicide is an overdone subject (However, I admit I am guilty of writing about it myself), and I feel like you could've done more to make this less cliche. For example, using a metaphor, description, imagery. I also believe this could be longer, and that you could give the reader something more. I felt like it ended too soon. Your grammar was correct and you have everything in the right places, but I believe that this could be revised and made better. Thank you for entering my contest, but this is not what I was looking for.
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The flow in this is awesome. I never stopped once thinking what the, or felt any discord reading this. I used to write a lot of poems in the similar angst type category and tend to steer away from reading this, BUt your link to books was clever and makes it less an angsty poor me type poem and more a clever emotional poem linking to history and something we know as very real. Nice work.
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It's a good rhyme though not a topic I would deal with. You might try writing something with a more uplifting message there's far too many poems written, on this site, about rejection and despair. For what it's worth happy trails
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Ok I really really love this poem
I can seriously relate
I love the imagery, but I agree with the comment below (or above) me, that "wade" isnt a strong enough word when you are writing about suicide and death, and that somthing more harsh would work better
But that's just my personal opinion
This has to be a favorite poem of mine on this website
Keep Writing amazing poetry just like this piece
It turly is a great write
xx
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This IS very good. I can tell you've put a lot of thought into the words you've chosen...the meter is spot on, the rhyme is not in the least forced, and the flow is impeccable. As for the impact of the poem...well, the subject matter has been so overdone that it bored me at first..but the strong ending caught my atention. The last two lines were my favorite.
"And so like a book,
your story ends here."
One word seemed a bit weak.."Wade"
I guess I was thinking...if your fear is gone, why are you wading? Why not Plunge? Or dive? wading seemed a bit tame for the subject matter. That being said, though, I enjoyed this read.
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