Heathcote’s Gourmet Guzzler.
1. Refreshments: Please see notice on bar.
The cost of hiring stewards these days goes just a bit too far
so guests are asked to fetch their drinks from the well-stocked Castle Bar.
My buxom wife will pour whatever poison you have stated
and any tips you care to leave will be appreciated.
2, Nibbles: Grilled adult Wetas and Weta grubs cruie.
The Weta as a giant hopper lives in rotting wood.
When grilled upon the BBQ they really taste quite good.
You have to pull the long legs off ‘coz they are sharp and spiny
but the shells and tails are crunchy and the meat is not too slimy.
The grubs are like big maggots and are best when eaten raw
if you chew before you swallow them you’ll taste the juices more.
Some fry them on the barby but they’re better raw and whole
coz they frizz away to nothing and the taste’s like burnt charcoal.
3. Soup: Consommé Weka au rocher.
The Weka is a flightless bird with flesh that’s rather tough
but boiled for eighteen hours or so for soup should be enough.
It’s best, for flavour, boiled together with a mossy stone;
in fact some think the soup is better with the stone alone
4. Entrée: Maori rat (kiore) au gratin
A very tasty entree, sliced and laid on toast quite flat,
first steam-cooked in a hangi, fur scraped off, the Maori rat
in my opinion’s better taste than either dog or cat,
(but I hardly ever tell my guests when they are eating THAT!)
5. Main Course: Possum Stew with Seaweed a la Mer.
Large chunks of home-grown possum (first you scrape off all the hair)
with rich brown onion gravy stewed with seaweed a-la-Mer.
It’s best with innards taken out before you start to cook
but that’s entirely optional, don’t be led by the book.
The seaweed that you use should preferably be organic
from unpolluted shorelines, (thus avoiding all the panic
which happens when the guests rush to the bathrooms in great haste
with feelings of nausea caused by revolting oily taste.)
6. Dessert: Pavlova a la mouette.
If anyone can face it and they still are ‘on their legs’
my special recipe’s for Pav. that’s made from seagulls’ eggs.
When topped with curdled lumps of sour cream spread on good and thick,
it’s a fitting end for anyone who’s not already sick.
Heathcote Giffen, September 9th. 2008.
Author notes
All these dishes (except course 6.) were actually eaten by the indigenous inhabitants of Aotearoa but, for some inexplicable reason, have not gained popularity with European Pakeha.
Queen Edna, who has previewed this menu, thinks this is an "awful" poem!
In a list
A contest entry
- HUGUENAUTY CONTEST No #36 FOR HUGH WYLES FAVOURITES GROUP ONLY. by huguenauties.
750 points, ended September 24, 2008, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Congrats with the silver!
This is an odd menu, maybe some kind of afrodisiac and that is why you and Hine are always in bed
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Congratulations my dear Husband on your Silver trophy.
I see that I forgot to comment on your entry.
Too much time in bed I guess.
I think I'll be like the others and pass on most of your menu, my stomach isn't as strong as yours.
With love eternal
Hine
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Your imagination knows no limits!!!!!!!
And indicates you have a strong stomach!! -
Congrats, does this mean we'll have to eat those ugly looking things? Blech! Ok, maybe a leg or two...
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At least mine isn't this bad!
Ohh my Heath and I thought mine would shock everyone but yours takes the cake! RAT'S I can't come at!
But a great poem dear Cousin.
Good luck. Love Jen
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Did Edna say "awful" or "offal"? No, that is probably just my accent!
This is a hair-raising menu, Heath! I'm going to Hine's.
Great poem though, the emotional reaction is measurable! Best of luck!
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I'm glad to see Edna gave this the same verdict that folk always give my odd writings...I like the company.
Back on planet earth...except for number six, they eat or ate that stuff? Maybe it is good, I will hopefully never know...though the possum concoction, I might try that if it looks more like beef than rat.
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Dear Heathcote;
I fear there may be a slight historical inaccuracy concerning item 5. on your menu as possums were introduced from Australia during the Governorship of Capt. William Bligh. The indigenous inhabitants of New Zealand brought the dog, rat and pig with them, all of which were readily consumed as were the vanquished members of other tribes. Possums only featured on much later menus after missionaries brought changes in native eating habits.
Otherwise your poem, though revolting to Western tastes (including Edna's), is fairly accurate. The use of seaweed from Lyttelton Harbour, for example, is strongly discouraged due to oil spillage and other shipping effluent.
Applause in spite of Edna's reaction and best wishes for luck in the voting. Hugh (R.)
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The inhabitants must be a hardy bunch,
and extremely resourceful.
Congratultions on your stamina
and the effort required to craft
this informative, downright scary piece.
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Ohh geez!!
My goodness Heath!
trust you to come up with this gourmet poem! 
I think the guests will be by passing your table of goodies! But, I'll give it a go...maybe!
Maybe that was the only food around for the Maori's to eat..NOW! They probably eat Macca's.
Great poem though.
Love AJ
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