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Aversions of hereditary proportion (Three Fish)

Hereditary voices creep me out

speak strong language-

ambitious little bastards

that weave around sentences

and run in packs

like a school of fish that swim in question marks

 

they like the way I crawl

the feel of loose metaphor

that live in the lines of my face

the rat-a-tat-tat through ancestry

as loud laughter emerges for no apparent reason

 

word and noise

dance daily

around deep layer of gray matter

spoken in foreign tongue

and chanted karma prayer

 

layers peel

 in three stages

 

caught in a whisper of  life

that multiply like cells under microscope -

one clear image of a moment

among a soul that's laid open

 

where blooms appear different everyday

like pottery, paper and poetry

the scratch of a frequent itch

usually hidden in distant corners

- broken clocks that demand your best

and the flow of blue blood in thin veins

 

a thousand faces

behind one mask

 

 

flesh-tones that blend into complex reality

uncomfortable

like numbers on a scale

that keep score of insane ideas

no stone will be left unturned today

or tomorrow

or the day after

because hereditary voices creep me out

speak strong language

with a rat-a-tat-tat

that invades space

we perceive as comfort

 

even when the cracks widen

and our skin meets aversions

 

 

9/9/08

Author notes

Prompt: Three fish...even though they were acorns and Mary let me write about three fish because my old ass eyes saw three fish
Thank you Mary

A contest entry

Please Critique...it helps me grow tall...Hahaha

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Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • AJ Morelli gold member
    October 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this is such a cool poem


    al


  • Cat
    October 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    what i love about this piece is the level of creativity exhibited here..

    for one- you turned acorns into fish.. that is almost jesus-like behavior.. but beyond that...
    the creativity of the voice
    of the narrator here is wonderful- very free flowing thoughts

    ilove school of fish swimming in question marks
    and the feel of loose metaphor

    i love the use of stone right after scale- very clever.. much to love here..

    i do have a suggestion that i think would tighten the piece up a bit- play with your plurals and see if you can't make several of them singular-

    for example:

    "words and noises

    that dance daily

    in the deep layers of gray matter

    they speak in foreign tongues

    and chant karma prayers

    in hopes of removing my excess flesh



    and the layers begin to peel

    in stages of three"





    word and noise
    which dance daily
    in the deep layer of gray matter

    spoken in foreign tongue
    and chanted karma prayer

    layers peel
    in three stages




    anyhow.. really enjoyed this one by you- hope it is ok that i took the liberty to play with your lines a little...


    • zochit2me gold member
      October 2, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I love this comment
      And wish more people would offer suggestions like this. Another set of eyes is always better...sometimes when I write I get too close to the poem to see little things like what you pointed out...and so I appreciate it when someone does so that i can go look and say DUH...I did not notice that...lol. Seriously Cat any help is appreciated and never taken the wrong way.

      I did edit some and will probably edit more.

      great contest...
      and yeah making fish outta acorns id almost Jesus like

      silly me

      ♥Becky♥


  • Luna Tique Fringe
    September 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    this is a stunner! i imagine this would be what a person with multiple personality syndrome or schizophrenia might experience when off their meds.  i knew a man  that would go periods of time without his meds and he would come out such profound words woven into the gibberish, it always fascinated me.

     

    lol, on the author notes and yay for mary


  • Grunts Girl silver member
    September 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    LMAO at your author comments and the conversation with Mary below!!!!

    The write... I really liked it a lot.

  • Suzanne Dia
    September 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply


    I so wish I could take 'three fish' and make something like this out of it, Becky.

    Strong writing, and as usual, wonderful work with the format as well.



    • zochit2me gold member
      September 10, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      I so wish I could write like you as well.
      Ah but alas, we are our own individuals and that my dear is what makes us unique...
      Your continued support and friendship is all that I might ask for and you give so freely of yourself. In case I have not told you lately, I love you immensely and with great appreciation.

      ♥Becky♥

  • Yvette Champ gold member
    September 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply


    • zochit2me gold member
      September 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much for the applause and support.
      I am glad you liked my ramblings

      ♥Becky♥


  • Jersene gold member
    September 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    LOL...at the author notes. I'm going to have to look at that collage again, and see if I can see the fish.

    as for your poem...WOW, WOW...I'm speechless. I relate to your words on so many levels. Excellent penning

    • zochit2me gold member
      September 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      So glad you found humor in my AN...and it is true. My old ass eyes did see three fish...lol

      thanks for the read and the comment as well as applause.

      ♥Becky♥

  • Cat
    September 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    three fish?... lol... i don't see three fish..

    but i see one fish
    and i see a jesus fish...

    you can certainly write about three fish though if you like...


    • zochit2me gold member
      September 8, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      there are 3 little yellow fish there?

      Aren't there?


      • zochit2me gold member
        September 8, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Third row from the bottom 4th picture over????

        Am I insane?

        • Cat
          September 8, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          jesus i dont know.. they look like acorns to me.. but i am getting old.. they are probably fish..LOL.. i dont know.. i see acorns up above.. and i thought they were the negative of those.. ..LOL..

          you're probably right.

          • zochit2me gold member
            September 8, 2008
            Edit | Reply
            Well acorns are good and squirls like them I will change it to negative acorns if you like...
            Hell I can't tell what half that shit is and I am much older than you miss M
            Tell me what to do...I am so confused

            LMAO


            • Cat
              September 8, 2008
              Edit | Reply
              keep it as three fish... lol.. i think it's adorable


              • zochit2me gold member
                September 8, 2008
                Edit | Reply
                Ok three fish it is...
                That's settled now I can go drink...ummmmm I mean think about it



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