featherless
is it possible
that our brains ever sleep
when we dream
so vididly,
beyond the belly
of the whale
as I course through your body
like canoes
cutting the water
and leaving you in pieces
little red sticks
that can be built
into an altar
and
set aflame
when you were young
a pelican
filled his giant mouth
with your sanity
realized it was all salty
and spit it back through your ears.
now they claim
you were just a child
but then
you were vulnerable
to the prodding of feathers
breaking your shell
and snapping
words from your
throat
it took years
to gain your voice
years of hospitals
and wet sand
piled into grainy castles
on your head.
they said the ginger
looked like skin
in your trail
and worried everytime
you wandered
even though
you always stumbled home
purged
shedding more than
just water weight
in grassy clearings
as deer
would analyze your wretched figure
it wasn't simple
and we shouldn't name it,
the past
is edible
and has been devoured
by sharks
with the keenest sense
for blood
and now
I just follow the scars
woven throughout your body
with some
pathetic limp needle
that left you rusted
and I find
ruins in your chest-
it takes time
to reconstruct flaws
but I will build you
into a city
stapled with rubies
polluting the night
with your
never ending
shine
Author notes
pelican
A contest entry
- Collage by Cat.
3500 points, ended October 4, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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your words
leave me
wanting more.
but i have homework.
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Ooo what a great opening image...or...philosophical idea I guess is a better description. I love it.
Haha, "filled his giant mouth with your sanity"
That explains it!!!
"it wasn't simple" - that stanza is perfect.
It's not often that I go through so many poems by someone I've just met o.O
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this is a wonderful take on the prompt, pelican was not an easy one...lol
very nicely done
al -
i like your train of thought on this piece- some of the images have a clear, conciseness to them that i enjoy immensely like (the canoes and the sticks are wonderful) - although i have to admit
to not being able to wrap my mind around some of them also.. like the grainy castles built on someone's head? ...
I find
ruins in your chest-
it takes time
to reconstruct flaws
but I will build you
into a city
stapled with rubies
polluting the night
with your
never ending
shine
i really like the idea of this final stanza- i think this is quite creative- i wonder about the word polluting and if it fits here?..
overall i think you've done a fine job with this poem and i like the experimental tone you have found.
very nice- good take on the prompt for sure!
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oh snap
this is beautiful
& i would kill to have someone write about me like this.
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creative and imaginative
i enjoyed the journey down the page
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Wow - this is really a nice use of the prompt chosen, you took it so far beyond 'pelican' and yet I can see the pelican, it wasn't lost..
love that you want to build a city
strong writing.
-
shedding more than
just water weight
in grassy clearings
as deer
would analyze your wretched figure
i already have a weird deer thing, you probably know that. that was creepy and beautiful and.....WOW. i love it. if you took out the "as" that would be an awesome minimalist poem. anyway, goddamn...but moving on lol.
i feel like some of the images aren't that fluent. but at the same time, i sort of like them? idk, i'm getting torn between conceptual meanings and visual cohesiveness. i don't know which is more important.
great, fresh poem.
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righteous as rain dude.
This has some AMAZING lines in it. Where the hell do you stash this stuff at? Cause a pelican and all of this is just so WOW!
when you were young
a pelican
filled his giant mouth
with[ your ]sanitylove this but was wondering if that word is actually needed since you referenced "you" at the beginning...might just be me but I want to omit that word for some reason. Great imagery here though.
and this line right here I love...I read it over and over absorbing it like a sponge...much like my head
it takes time
to reconstruct flawsTake some clappies
they are crunchy and good with ketchup
♥Becky♥
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oh my god. this is so fresh and new and amazing i don't know what to say. these applause are legitimate.
years of hospitals
and wet sand
piled into grainy castles
on your head.
what the fuck man, where did that come from. i love it. you have really impressed me.
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really amazing. at a loss for words lately, but I wanted to make sure you knew
Jeanette*~
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Can taste the salt on my tongue and to get this from a pelican well it is a testament to the strength of your pen, I loved it and I love you C
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thanks c!
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and now
I just follow the scars
woven throughout your body
with some
pathetic limp needle
that left you rusted
and I find
ruins in your chest-
god this reminds me of someone i know. great imagery jp.
love you
i owe you clappies i have none LOL -
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gimmmmme dem clapppeeehhhsss
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i loved the ruby image so bloody ruddy ruby much! sigh... would you do that for me?
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wet and rusting ... cant wait to see what comes of this...
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finito!
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