Will I ever meet her, the real me (a rant)

Write
Just write
Don’t think
Just write
Words like rain, like tears, like blood
The blood you claimed you once shed
Your battered hands have mended
And you’re repulsed by the wrinkles
Displayed like a trophy case
But nobody is impressed
We all get old
No need to complain
No time I say
The bandages have been too tight
They blurred your vision
You thought they would stay young forever
Tied up and safe
from the sun
from the ticking of the clock of debris
But you were wrong
They have aged
And so have you
You are no longer 18
Stop pretending to live in fairytale land
Your life is wasting before you
But you keep sleepwalking with blinders on
This tunnel vision is leading you straight to hell
But your mind can’t get a break from it’s natural high
Dream it up, whip it up,
Whatever you like, in your head
But now that you are alone
There is no fantasy to take you home
She is your home
But she is gone and the loneliness gnaws
You need more then her to keep you alive
I know she is your oxygen
But she is not the only noble gas you need
To keep you lungs from shriveling like a mushroom.

I have changed
The bleeding has stopped
The bandages have come off
I am please by the sight of these hands
How can these wrinkled hands
Produce the same lines they used to
When they were young and full of life
These scars and deep traces
Are my reality
I cannot go on pretending my youth will come back to me
It is gone
I am aging
But my mind refuses to grow with me
If aging is growth
Why does it repulse me so
To see my skin lose its elasticity
And my body its firmness

I fear repetition
But I am stuck in the same routine
For the past eight years
I keep mumbling about finding myself
Discarding this life
As if nothing is happening
As if I have no job
A great girlfriend
Like nothing seems to matter until
Until I have her on my side
Even though I know I will never have her approval

Come inside
And look at this pitiful girl
She wanted to break the four walls of her room
Break free
And taste spring
Well spring is making her eyes water

Come inside
And watch me hide still
From the outside world
Darkness scares me
Friendship a stranger to me
But how to break the cycle
When you are not around
to keep me from drowning