I have witnessed the dullness grow
stealing warmth from sky’s blue hue,
so hoary fist grips land below,
the leaves turn into maelstrom brew.
Stealing warmth from sky’s blue hue
when darkness comes a shade too soon,
my breath is hung like web trapped dew
beneath the gaze of harvest moon.
So hoary fist grips land below
while skeletal oaks seem to shake
as if there’s something they should know,
a dance in which they must partake.
The leaves turn into maelstrom brew
like kittens escaping their fear,
as from their flight these words they threw
the plaintive cry of “winters here”.
Author notes
Never tried one before, perhaps I have taken on too much by trying to rhyme it.
My mistake, I have done one before for another contest (No Greens - Round 2) thanks Pam for the reminder, I must be getting old.
Honest appreciated.
A contest entry
- Contest for rhyming poems... PW of Sept'08 allowed by Manoj Sanyal.
370 points, ended September 15, 2008, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Retourne to Form by Age of Rain.
1175 points, ended September 21, 2008, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Goes by piccola.
900 points, ended December 26, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critique Requested
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I think the retourne form is interesting and challenging because the author must incorporate each line and its punctuation without losing meaning. As this contest has already been judged I will comment here. Your syllable count is perfect and the wording is rich with imagery.
The only problem with this poem is the punctuation. For example in the first stanza....WHAT turns the leaves? The second stanza is a compound phrase without a subject or predicate. The fourth stanza is also a compound phrase lacking the center noun and verb.
In the second stanza you could substitute "my breath" for "and breath" and this would make a complete sentence. In the first and last stanza if you changed "turns the leaves" to "the leaves turn into" you would also have the necessary noun and verb to hold the sentence together.
Congratulations on the trophies that the poem received. Peace, Liz
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Edited as suggested, thank you
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Well done! I like this.
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lol, a beautiful old at that
I loved this:
"when darkness comes a shade too soon,"
Can I marry it?
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Only if you marry me as well
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hahha ... if you become famous and rich, I'll definitely take that offer
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Oh how utterly wonderful to see this gem rewarded in this contest. I love Retourne and I love this poem. You have written this form to its finest. Well done and congrats!
~Pamela 
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'so hoary fist grips land below,
turns the leaves into maelstrom brew.'
umm...fantastic! This poem features VERY powerful lines of repetition. Even if this is your first, you have accomplished an extraordinary thing here. My only slight bit of advice would be the last stanza seemed somewhat weaker than the rest. To me anyways. A job well done!
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very good poem with rhyming variations.
Best wishes and good luck,
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honestly ...AMAZING..and yeah..i know I say that about all of your poetry..but form poetry is my fave..probably becuz I suck at it..but i just think anyone who can do it is totally amazing..perfect rhyme and flow..best of luck in the contest..but I smell trophy..thanx so much for sharing..blessings..namaste..
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