The icy skies reveal
the news that lies in blue.
The killing rages left
a vent of conscious thought,
a wife and child bereft.
The icy skies reveal
the easy living here,
yet hunger wants, still more.
the pain of greed demands
a place in heart and core.
The icy skies reveal
a glimpse in lives and times.
But soft the light that shines
on paths that lead to Zen,
yet glare on Man made shrines.
The icy skies reveal
a truth for all to see
The silver light of love,
it waits to take our hand
within an open glove.
Author notes
Options used
Second option, I want you to write a Monchielle. This is a form I made some time back, and it has spread all over the poetic world. First line repeats in each stanza, it consist four stanzas in total, each stanza consists of five lines, each line consists of six syllables, and lines three and five rhyme. The pattern is "Abcdc Aefgf Ahiji Aklml".
Third option, you must use ten or more words from this word bank: (Acid, Barnacle, Crunchy, Devious, Easy , Figment, Greasy, Happy, Icy, Jiffy, Killing , Living, More, Nosy, Open, Pepper, Q-tip, Rubles, Soft , Tall, Umbrella, Vent, Wife, X-ray, Yesterday, Zen. ) Mark which words you used in the authors comment.
A contest entry
- And now for something completely different... by Starhiker.
600 points, ended September 17, 2008, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Great editing!
Now, had you edited the poem like this before the contest ended, you would have won the gold!
I guess you didn't want it, because it's just you being you. 
You're almost as good at Monchielles as me! 
Jim
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OK I once edited before judging on a poem and got accused of cheating so now I don't. What does one do?
Thank you for the support though I do really appreciate that.
Jem
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Very good!
You made a great Monchielle. It followed the rules, and had good rhymes. The rhythm was a little off, and the flow was uneven, but this is irrelevant. About using the word bank, you wrote "acids" instead of "acid", but since you have more than ten of the words in the poem, I say great on this point too! Mastered two of the options, therefore automatic finalist! Thanks for entering the contest, best of luck to you! Jim
Score: 9.3
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Thank you its a lovely form to write. On the point of rhythm can you tell me where its wrong so I learn from that my friend. I am still learning meter.
Jem -
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Well,
if you want my thought on which parts that were not in the same meter as the rest, this is what I found. In first stanza, second line; "YESterday's NEWS in BLUE" (hard soft soft hard soft hard). In second stanza, fourth line; "Acids of GREED deMAND" (hard soft soft hard soft hard), and in in third stanza, second line, "FIGments of LIFE in TIME" (hard soft soft hard soft hard). Though these lines have the same meter (not sure which meter it is), it does not flow with the rest of the poem which uses the iambic meter (soft hard soft hard soft hard). I know it can be a problem rewriting the poem, still using these words. When I wrote my lesson on how to write a Monchielle, I referred to the meter in the second stanza. This was however only meant as a guide to make it flow better, not a rule of the form. Your poem only have three lines breaking the rhythm (the general meter of the poem), while I have read other Monchielles which have no rhythm at all, and all are good according to the rules. I am just of the general conception that a poem should hold the same meter to flow better, to be easier to read. It is much like singing... if you hold the rhytm of the beat, then suddenly the beat changes, it sounds a little awkward. In conclusion what I want to suggest is not to remove or rewrite the lines, but maybe to rearrange them, so they come at same place in each stanza - and make the similar line in last stanza the same off-rhythm. Does this sound logical to you? Jim
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Thank you Jim now the contest is over I can work the edit... just me being me
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Yes you are making sense not sure if its logical, since when is meter logical! Thank you so much for taking the time to write an answer for me I do appreciate that so much. I will put this poem in my edit box and give it some time tonight after class. I have to say the form is a great one for meter especially novices like me who need practice, iambic pentameter whilst a delight is so hard to keep going whereas shorter lines I find are easier to get into rhythm even if I miss it in the odd line.
Thanks again
Jem
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