Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Ghost of a good thing

Hands
Once loving and warm
Turn cold and hard

The marks on my skin
Black
Blue
Around my neck
The rage in your eyes

I crumble
Tears stream
Down my face

Hopes and dreams
Broken on the floor

I pull myself up
From where I fell

Your begging
Is just wasting my time
Breaking my heart

My bruises will fade
My heart will heal
I will forget you

But you
You will always
Always remember me
And dream of could have been

Author notes

Credit: The Brass Bed ~ By: Amit3

and the title is jacked from dashboard confessional

A contest entry

please be brutally honest :)

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 56 of 56
  • silverfish
    September 4
    Edit | Reply
    very (black and) blue style poetry. it sounds though like the healing has begun. peace. -silverfish


  • TwoFacedPsycho
    December 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    So true and so deep! Awesome write!


  • misshugglebugglez
    November 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    woah... this is intense... and really good! "The marks on my skin
    Black
    Blue
    Around my neck
    The rage in your eyes

    I crumble
    Tears stream
    Down my face" wowsers, really good! awesomeness
    i loved it keep up the good work! =)
    huggles,
    adria/ confuzzled-angel <3


  • Rend the Veil gold member
    October 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Really true!

    This is very well written Sis, great flow
    you put a lot of truth into this one

    Blessings

    Rend


  • Hustom
    October 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    acurate

    shows you who truely wins and loses.


  • Ithica silver member
    September 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The drama is captured and intensified in brevity, and the abuse is terrifying... Good work! Thank-you!


  • TwoFacedPsycho
    September 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    That is very good! Awesome work and awesome message!


  • inspectorcliche
    September 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    nice

    i could almost see it happening


  • boydamaged
    September 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    W O W!!!
    That was SOOOOOOOOOO intense and completely AMAZING. Not the actual event but the writing. The flow was awesome. The wording really hits you. You captured the emotions of this terrible act perfectly and made me really feel it through you. Again AMAZING job and keep it up. Can't wait to read more.


  • Kia Tenshi
    September 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    There are a few words/sayings that I find a little cliché; such as rage, crumble, tears stream, ect. There's a repeat of floor in lines 13 and 15 that throws the rhythm off, but I do like your overall message...very good.

    ^-^


    • Ms. Black Eyeliner
      September 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thanks and yeah that repetion in 13 and 15 is bugging me allot

      any suggestions

      • Kia Tenshi
        September 10, 2008
        Edit | Reply

        HmmmNumnumnum...

        Maybe something like
        "I pull myself up
        From where I fell" -?

        or

        "Myself forces me up
        From where we fell before"
        (hey! It rhymes with floor from the last stanza!! >w< [was unintentional] )

        I think either would sound pretty...but your choice.
        ^-^


  • AsheAngel
    September 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very good write


  • BeautifulCalamity08
    September 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is a great poem...definitely sad and depressing but I really like it.

    Lee-Ann


  • Animals
    September 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    HI, this is great, but a bit intense for me to really comment on, since I'm only 11. The only thing I saw was the very last line says, 'And dream of could have been.' That doesn't really make sense to me.
    Good job,
    Animals


    • Ms. Black Eyeliner
      September 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      and dream of what could have become of the relationship had he not been abusive

      thats what i ment

  • know one
    September 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    wow

    this is great!I loved the way you matched the picture to the words,aawesome write!


  • Gothmo666
    September 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i won't be as brutal.
    i like the poem it has a certain twist of love in it.
    personally i don't really care about typos they are just a fact of life.
    beautifully written

  • superl337sauce
    September 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Consider "could-have-been-" with the hyphens instead. I think it conveys more of an idea expressed by a phrase that way.

    "You’re begging"
    Typo! Please change "You're" to "Your". Or you can omit the "Is" in the next line.

    I bet you wrote this in Microsoft Word, since the first lines are all capitalized. That gets really boring, so try and jazz it up some! What I like to do is write it in notepad, copy it into Word, spellcheck, and then upload. If the font or lack of wordwrap bothers you, you can always edit notepad options to your heart's content.

    Also, you can make the first character of a line lowercase to indicate the continuation of an idea from the previous line.

    The same goes for punctuation; add some variety! I don't think that is as necessary in this particular poem though, since you seem to want a break in reading between each line.


  • fallenAngel86
    September 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    great write, hopefully it's not true. but prob is,, stay strong, remember that strength when your feeling down. remember that people love you.

  • schellou
    September 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Love it

    It made me cry. WOW


  • Katie Lazette
    September 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very well written, but sad. I know some people live like this, and it is sad. Katie


  • Shancy Fayre
    September 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this simple but poignant poem. However, re-read the last line and line 16. They need correction.


  • irdefk
    September 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow I really like it!

    My bruises will fade
    My heart will heal
    I will forget you

    But you
    You will always
    Always remember me
    And dream of could have been

    thats my favorite part!


  • evanna
    September 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hopes and dreams
    Broken on the floor
    I pull myself
    Off the floor- the image is so real, honest

    i don't know who did this to you, breaking dreams is no ones right, but these days people tend to ignore rules.

    My bruises will fade
    My heart will heal
    I will forget you- a promise, that will come true

    But you
    You will always
    Always remember me
    And dream of could have been - and that my friend is a fact!


  • ssDss
    September 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hey

    That was really good!! I liked..

    My bruises will fade
    My heart will heal
    I will forget you

    But you
    You will always
    Always remember me
    And dream of could have been

    That was a killer ending


  • lizwicker
    September 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow i love this and i love the picture! It brand tears to my eyes! I have been there before but its still hard to let go!


  • poetrandy
    September 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    More dark thoughts!

    Please lighten up folks! Life can be pretty darn good, you know! Wait till you really have life threatening experiences of your own! It's good to write about your experiences and get some of your bad feelings out -- but, I for one am tired of so many of this type poem!

    • Ms. Black Eyeliner
      September 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      you can dislike this type of poem but this IS LIFE THREATINING and you know i love ya but it's attitudes like such as you are expressing that belittles the suffering faced by persons abused and allow this to continue

      i HAVE been in this type of situation not with a boyfriend but by my parents and being a little 6 year old there's not much you can do and if they get mad enough YOU ARE DEAD

      plain and simple

      but enough of my rant

      i appreciate the time you took to read it


  • trekkergirl
    September 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hey this is a wonderful write. I like your view on abuse. It's true that bruises do heal... that that you can forget a beating. But I don't know if the abuser would feel the way you would describe. Still you got all that you feel about this subject across. I like it. Plus, your picture goes wonderfully well with the poem. Great Job! You are definitely an excellent poet!

    • Ms. Black Eyeliner
      September 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thanks so much

      i was going more off the picture and that whole "i lolve you baby i'm so sorry" deal you know

      but i TOTALLY get what your saying

      thanks for the comment


  • peridotPixi
    September 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i like the thoughts you have used in this poem, and i like how you have used this take on the image, i like how you have reapeated the words in the last part, i think it gives this poem more depth and charitaristics keep up the writing,
    ~Amy


  • Lil-Bit Crazy
    September 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow what emotions you have in this.......... i really like this in a sad way... hehe..... thanks for sharing this and good luck in contests......!

1 - 56 of 56