standing room only
obscures vision
sight blurred in the interim
she hesitates considerably
when notions of bias surface
each time she take sides
thoughts dissipate
and tend to
collapse a lung
she rolls her own
puffing away
at day dreams
smoke rings
igniting mystery
an indulgence
a steady meandering
as if behavior mattered
disarray spindles in air
and common sense
is recompense
for unjust and just
balanced thinking
tinkering
on being un-thunk
endowed sensations
bequeath no more
than we have left her with
despondant and aloof
she comes to us
without fore-sense
or after actions of realism
she is simply
what her muse dictates
worthy of accolades
and lowly me wishes
she would hide
all her abject fear
under rock of a sound mind
uncovered someday
by future generations
scavenging whole-heartedly
in tombs
and treasure
of happenstance
A contest entry
- A Patron Favorite PIF by onerios13.
10000 points, ended December 4, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Constructive critique please.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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she is simply
what her muse dictates
Exqusitely thought-provoking, these two lines really rang chills up my spine. I found this to be such a lyrical work of art, the soft sounds and deep resonances music to the ears and mind. It was truly gorgeous in parts and landed as soft as a dove's feather on spring water.
A delight.
-
I like "un-thunk" ...
and just about everything else about this as well.
Bon travail ici.
Good luck in the contest.
-
Very cool, really flows along, really reverberates and leaves me thinking...
-
I found this to have almost a lethargic meandering quality...delving into the where and why of how a muse operates takes a pool of crystal water heated to 80 degrees and a floating position
I think you have found it 
Bravo 
-
"she would hide her abject fear
under the rock of a sound mind
uncovered by future generations
scavenging without feeblemindedness
in the tomb of happenstance"~ this might have been about me.
Great job...loved all the texture and imagery.
Peace
Jen
-
Excellent
A very fine write, indeed. I liked the way in which you expressed your thoughts. Thanks for sharing this one with us. -
Wonderful flow in this poem, and the reader follows the poet's musing on her muse. I like particularly 'common sense is recompense for unjust thinking' and the ambiguity of 'despondant and aloof'.
-
Cool
I like this very much. It has a flair
and style that's unique. I felt like I
was being carried on a cloud of self indulgence
with the hopes of equal exchange.
This was a bit different from what i've
seen you scribe in the past.
A refreshing change, displaying the various
dimensions of an excellent mind. Two snaps!
-
yeah...i understood this not at all....sorry....
-
she is worthy of accolades
and lowly me wishes
she would hide her abject fear
under the rock of a sound mind
uncovered by future generations
scavenging without feeblemindedness
in the tomb of happenstance
i really like this part a lot. -
hmmm not totally sure i get it but damn i like it!! it def sounds awesomly amazing...
i've hesitated considerably
with notions of bias
because each time i take sides
they dissipate into nothingness
tats my fave part -
I think I know what you mean by this. Well said. And I love the word happenstance. I've missed you lately.
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This almost has the beat style going on in it, I love the thoughts and don't you dare think of putting that muse away. We need voices like yours.
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WOW!
This is so FUNKY! damn woman you got me all riled up on this vibe! i love it!
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