Words by silverscent at All poetry

I hang from the edge

of the pier, with your words
clinched like a noose
around my neck

and I dangle
untill the stormy seas
turn to cool crystal waters.

I observe you,
observing me, as
my blanched neck
becomes embellished
with a ruby band.

“It’s far too personal
(and blatant)” you said
“to choke someone

by hand.

It’s much more satisfying

to sit off shore and
watch the rope
tighten with the wrath
of fired words.”

Author notes

Prompt: words.
Image taken from art.co.uk

In a list

Poetry beginning with W • next in list

A contest entry

Tease Yourself - Pick Your Own Prompt by between slices. 600 points, ended September 21, 2008, 11 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest

Please tell me what you think

Comments

1 - 9 of 9

By me, right now

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between slices
September 21, 2008

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Yes, it stands better now. "blanched" fits.

Do you think "and" is necessaryin S2 L1? How do you want it to be read?
- silverscent
  September 21, 2008
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  I'm going to leave "and" where it is. But thanks for all the feedback. This has been the most worthwhile contest in terms of reviewing and revising for a long time. Thanks for the silver!! I really appreicate it.
between slices
September 18, 2008
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I love the images you've used. It's almost blasé, but that's what sets the atmosphere for this poem. And it fits so well. I love your concept, of words as a noose, and the "red band" focusing the throat.

Although, the tense seems to be a bit off when you bring your images down from "hanging" to "and i'll dangle". present continuous and future? either will have to be changed.

I would suggest changing S2 L1 to "I dangle" and S3 L1 to "I observe". It would make more sense. In addition to that, "pallor" is a noun, but you've used it here as an adjective. Think you can revise that?

Suicidal thoughts? Naw.. Seems a little more like latent anger or even sadistic, through the eyes of that person you've "quoted".

I love every part of this. Concise, but talks about human personalities pretty deeply, and the weapon of words and emotions. You make me wonder what kind of pasts the two personae in your poem have had. What made one so vulnerable, and the other so torturous?

Awesome!
- silverscent
  September 20, 2008
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  Thanks for the comment. I liked your suggestions so I've edited a few details. Thanks again.
RestlessDreamer
September 17, 2008

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Wow, you wrote this beautifully. The concept is wonderful and your word choices were perfect. My favorite lines are...

It’s much more satisfying
to sit off shore and
watch the rope
tighten with the wrath
of fired words.”

...Those words seems to say so much. They wrap up the tone for the first part of the poem and give the rest of the poem even more meaning. Great job!
turtletacular
September 13, 2008
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a comment
amazing imagery loved the meaning. this poem meant a lot to me.
dc4cutie
September 13, 2008

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This was amazing!
:]

I loved how to words just read so easily. My favourite line would have to be:

"Hanging from the edge

of the pier, with your words
clinched like a noose
around my neck

and I’ll dangle
untill the stormy seas
turn to cool crystal waters."

Great write,

Mel
Walking Oxymoron
September 7, 2008

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I love words!
I'm loving the idea of the last stanza.
The right words can choke anyone.
Bravo dear lady, May you win!
Ditt0
September 7, 2008

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ok... this is freaking awesome... My second favourite piece of yours...

"“It’s far too personal
(and blatant)” you said
“to choke someone
by hand."

That was my favourite stanza by far... congrats...