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Old Poems & High School Love Notes.

We were dipping into a river of obscurities
clenching deleterious goodbyes in our hands
and revealing fear behind our widened eyes
young & reckless
might as well have been stamped interminably
on our foreheads
& lathering our dripping skin 
with the anxiety of being in love;

i. love notes
deliriously twiddling his thumbs
while glancing secretly across
the overcrowded classroom
to catch even the slightest glimpse
of her ever-so glowing & illuminant face
sustained with a selective grin;


[his heart beat accelerates]


almost faster than a steam train
ablating on the crooked tracks;
of beethoven and shattered melodies
his words came out in detached harmonies
as he plucked the piano chords
& sang an accordant tune
with words he once penned
in beclouded love notes
tossed away in an enclosed cardboard box
containing his innermost secrets
unable to be decrypted by anybody
but her.

ii. mortal hearts
she embeds her mistakes in ink
battling with the tear stains
oppressed on her satin pillow
& her adoration diminishing
like a mountain high ice cream cone
liquidizing in the degrading sun

on a painted canvas
she is the unnoticed structure
& though her beauty
seeps throughout the thickened
piece of dashing art
her colors might as well be 
black & white
as that's all her demeaning heart portrays;

broken & attaint dishes
cover the area of her kitchen floor
inflicting the soles of her feet
& damaging her delicate posture

her clothes ragged & tattered
thrown across her blustery bedroom
covering destroyed photographs
of the optimistic girl
she could once claim to be

[now she pretends to smile]

but she notices
that his eyes lie on her lips
& his regressive tendency
to forfeit his proposal
decays within his throat

& she listens to the unspoken strains
from his piano chords
while he delicately highlights
the written ambrosia
she'd never dare breathe.

♥

Author notes

[5] destructive hearts and regressive tendencies
[9] dirty dishes and unfolded clothes
[13] of beethoven and shattered melodies

I was more inspired by them;; I didn't use them as a line in my poem; so I hope that's ohkay.

& for the title, obvious

old poems and high school love notes.
_______________________________


Write about waiting for love to come

YoureNoGoodForMe 

A contest entry

feedback would be greatly appreciated :D

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 16 of 16

  • etoile
    October 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this was amazing. it fit every requirement for my contest, and I love the way you write.

    'deliriously twiddling his thumbs
    while glancing secretly across
    the overcrowded classroom
    to catch even the slightest glimpse
    of her ever-so glowing & illuminant face
    sustained with a selective grin;


    [his heart beat accelerates]
    ---
    that part was amazing. I liked how you wrote from the perspective of the guy and the girl.

    and I love the ending. this was beautiful.

    thanks for entering and goodluck


  • aanika
    October 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    & she listens to the unspoken strains
    from his piano chords
    while he delicately highlights
    the written ambrosia
    she'd never dare breathe.

    your vocabulary is amazing.
    however, again, I'd like to suggest not using so many large words so close together.

    & sang an accordant tune
    with words he once penned
    in beclouded love notes
    tossed away in an enclosed cardboard box
    containing his innermost secrets
    unable to be decrypted by anybody
    but her.

    for example, this would flow better if you removed a few words and ended up with something like:

    & sang an accordant tune
    with words he once penned
    in love notes
    tossed away in a cardboard box
    containing his innermost secrets
    unable to be decrypted by anybody
    but her.

    some of the words you use just feel like filler to me
    like 'enclosed cardboard box'. I think saying 'cardboard box' implies that it is shut away. again, just a suggestion feel free to disregard me, I'm generally wrong anyways.

    I lovelovelove your style though.


  • Shya
    October 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I truly love your imagery. It sweeps me away, and the emotions were so strong. Near the end of the poem I felt like suddenly a century had passed, and suddenly the girl was not so radiant, and not so happy. I love how you refrain your descriptions of the boy's voice. This entire poem is beautiful. Shya


  • Dead Red Head
    October 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Love it. The imagery is great and I like your viewpoints.


  • sarajaneUK
    October 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    What a super write, I love your use of language in this, certainly a poem to stand out in a crowd. Great stuff! sj


  • peregrin
    September 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is pretty amazing, thanks for the entry.
    Good write.


  • medicalpoet
    September 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Hmm....

    i liked it. longing yet romantic... good write


  • nevadapoet
    September 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    again...a great write. I've added to finalists list...a tough contest to judge...but I recognize youe style.


  • Kiss the girl--x
    September 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    'almost faster than a steam train
    ablating on the crooked tracks;
    of beethoven and shattered melodies
    his words came out in detached harmonies
    as he plucked the piano chords
    & sang an accordant tune
    with words he once penned
    in beclouded love notes'

    those lines are so so beautiful, they just leave me awestruck.
    you leave me awestruck, every syllable you write are always amazinggg

    loves.
    ♥


  • whiterabbit.
    September 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. Once again this is amazing, but I know to expect that every time I read one of your loverly writes . I absolutely adore this. The emotions come through so real that I can feel them and relate to them. Also, the imagery is just gorgeous. I can picture everything so well.

    The beginning is just perfection, and so is the rest of it.

    "We were dipping into a river of obscurities
    clenching deleterious goodbyes in our hands
    and revealing fear behind our widened eyes
    young & reckless
    might as well have been stamped interminably
    on our foreheads
    & lathering our dripping skin
    with the anxiety of being in love;"

    amazing

    her clothes ragged & tattered
    thrown across her blustery bedroom
    covering destroyed photographs
    of the optimistic girl
    she could once claim to be
    ^^^^^^^^^^^that reminds me of me soo much
    Your writes always seem to bring up so many memories for me and that just makes them even more amazing. (I think I've used the word "amazing" enough lol, but it's true)
    Wonderful (amazing ) write. I'm in awe of your talent dear.


    ♥


  • she still smiles x gold member
    September 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Ahhhhhh

    Whoaaa, hoe, I LOVED THIS SO MUCHHH !!!! =] There was so much power and beauty in here, I am speechless..

    ~young & reckless
    might as well have been stamped interminably
    on our foreheads~
    So cute and so true. I love the atmosphere of just simply being young and alive...it brought a whole new turn to the piece.

    ~of beethoven and shattered melodies~
    Such distinct imagery can really affect the reader. This line caught my eye, probably because I have an odd acquired taste for classical music, surprisingly.

    ~unable to be decrypted by anybody
    but her~
    And this line was amazing, ohmygawdhoe 'Decrypted' is a very strong vocab word and again, it can affect the way a poem is presented in a great way.

    ~broken & attaint dishes
    cover the area of her kitchen floor
    inflicting the soles of her feet
    & damaging her delicate posture!
    I do believe that those are my favorites in here, Bert =] I'm not exactly sure why but something about broken dishes on the floor damaging a girls feet...yeah, I dunno, but I loved it :]

    Wonderful my love<3333333333


  • AshleyAesthetic
    September 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a powerful poem.

    Theres so much said in it and I love the way you broke it up into parts and the words you used.

  • The Rainbows Mind
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    indeed, I enjoyed this very much.

    I know often times people like to say something's good because they're afraid of honesty, how they come across to people, and damaging someone's "precious" ego. Allow me to say however, that I reaally did enjoy this peace.
    Quite frankly, I'm sick of reading the same old regurgitated garbage. It was very enlightening reading this, and it created and reconstructed the scenario within my mind.
    Continue to write, because we need more poetry like yours.


  • written-in-ink
    September 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    love it already


    cant wait for you to finish and make it just amazing!!!!

1 - 16 of 16