I was the kid who pretended he was a dinosaur
(by himself)
in first grade
and stomped around
roaring at the kid
who called me retarded.
I was the guy who looked at the words I had to use in this poem
(Cashmere, Satin, Chiffon, etc)
And said "Well
I AM white, if that helps"
but I can't imagine how that
will help my poem along at all.
If you can compare white to purity,
(which I can sorta understand in a not racist way)
then I suppose I could say
that my drive in life is that of a knight
on an impossibly white stallion
forging onward like a violent storm
stopping at no obstacle on my noble quest
to my ultimate destination
of whatever gets me laid soonest.
Forgive my sophmoric humor, but I am 17
(A high schooler)
and any 17 year old guy who says hes not concerned
with sex at all
because he's just a swell guy
is a damned liar.
An honest pervert gets slapped,
but a lying pervert is more likely
to become an aquaintance rapist.
Now whose your knight in shining armour?
I have a love of life, all life
(no exceptions)
plants and animals, people and otherwise
and this idea glows in me
in a soft and fragile place
that is protected by everything I do;
It is the aqua-clothen maiden
resting delicately in my heart's castle
while outside the walls I fight a war
of recycling
and peace
and compassion
and all that "hippy bull crap"
as the kid who called me retarded
likes to put it.
I'm the kid who got in trouble last year
for carrying a back pack around school
(by the english teacher im still madly in love with)
And came in the next day
with the black Wegman's bag the same size
made of some kind of recycled burlap stuff
and defended it as my purse.
Some call it a murse, a man purse, a postman's bag
but I say
"No exceptions-
it's a purse."
I'm the guy who went to the Model UN last year
(I represented a delegate in the Iran room)
And single-handedly averted WWIII
by delivering a speech about peace
and universal brotherhood
and stood up to the guy with the black satin tie
and the girl with the black chiffon.
I was never more proud of myself
than when I was awarded second place:
the shiniest silver medal
among others
hanging in my room.
He might have gotten the gold
but he won't call me retarded again.
I'm no hero.
no valiant knight.
no dinosaur king.
My name is Pat.
and as unique as I am
there are billions of other Pats out there
and one day we will inherit the earth.
and when that day comes
I dare you to call us "retarded,"
jerk.
Author notes
For the underdog! long live the revolution!
As far as a description of myself goes, this one hits the nail on the head
and at the same time
doesn't even scratch the surface.
A contest entry
- Click ONLY if you've not won Gold!Poetically describe yourself with these materials! by CookieZeal.
690 points, ended November 25, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Let's be friends?
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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You did a nice revision of this taking some of the tips given. Thank you!
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Love it! Honest and genuine! I love the girl in chiffon who holds a place in your heart's castle and the eighth teacher you have been in love with. I love the ending, this is gold!
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Hi again.
Making this an exception in length,tightening
the pattern will make the difference.
*Suggestions*
Punctuation ONLY if the lines that precede
need a break; otherwise, it will look
like a prosaic stack of descriptions.
in a soft and fragile place
that is protected by everything I do << a semi colon will halt this so that the next line flows
I'm no hero.
I'm no valiant knight.
I'm no dinosaur king.<-- I would use "I'm" once. then stack the name descriptions beneath, assuming that "I'm" is implied. Just an idea.
was never more proud of myself
(then) when I was awarded second place- it is more of a 'comparison' adverb than a tense of time, in which case 'than' would be more suitable.
I laughed again.
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It's miles longer than 20-30 lines, but I tell you, You rock!!
I liked it lots...
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Hello there!
This poem was very interesting because I could
see the honesty in it. In fact, it made me grin
in several places You've got some very startling
observations of yourself while logging it so that
others can maybe share in its journey.
You've adequately used the color box, although you must've forgotten to post which one in the author's notes. This just helps others differentiate and also make the contest judging easier
*Suggestions*
I would look at this tomorrow, and each day. See if you can't 'trim' it down to at least the maximum of lines required.(30)
~~ Please structure the frame and form better.
The wonderful lines and colors can be seen much
better.
~~ Although I realize that you are humorously
invoking the way you've been categorized as 'different', you can keep it edgy and 'you'
without using societal terms such as , 'retarded'.
Mentally ill, unbalanced, etc, would throw up
fewer red flags, if you know what I mean.lol
~~ If using dialogue, try either itializing them,(my suggestion, or use "quotation marks".
Please let me know your progress. I will check from time to time.
Thank you for entering. Warmly, CookieZeal
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