the sky
was the dying note of piano;
and maybe we took a boat,
and heard the boatman sing
without the sound of flute
he said
songs were too naked
and too exposed.
a brownredorange kite
traveled along -
we saw flags waving at us
nanu is cooking
summer food
we decided where we’d
hang the hammock this time
mother sobbed on father’s shoulder;
a rainforest
underneath the yellowedsun
before dusk
we sat beside nanu
her hands were winter
like the coldgoldbangles she wore.
she had the ususalpeace about her face.
Author notes
nanu-- grandmother.
A contest entry
- gold _ co-sponsored by aj morelli by Cat.
1150 points, ended September 14, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
you can comment. critique. leave behind whatever you will like to say,
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
-
some of this is absolutely wonderful- revise: MUCH of this is absolutely wonderful.
LOVE: the first stanza
think it gives such a great feeling of sound and humanity- think you could cut out a couple excess words- an "and"
and maybe we took a boat
and the boatman sang
second stanza is also wonderful- love the intertwined words here- i would eliminate the "we could see"
to just "flags waved at us"
Love this next with nanu cooking
but the closely spaced We is a bit full..
i am not sure you need the "we thought"
but you would have to do some rearranging to rid yourself of it.
nanu is cooking
summer food we thought
and decided where we’d
hang the hammock this time
mother sobbed on father's shoulder;
a rainforest ... etc.
love the end.
Love the piece- the piece is very strong- your imagery works beautifully.. just needs some trimming in mho.
wonderful work
m
-
-
i hope it works now... thanks
-
-
no. and let me explain my thinking
it would be better to leave the long version "we saw" and be over wordy..
than to shorten to
"saw" without explanation
you either have to commit to the change
flags waved at us
or not- if not- that is fine but leave it readable..
And at the top also- if you are going to leave it wordy- leave it readable.. I hope that makes sense...
-
-
gahh... it doesn't work at all... did i completely screw it?
-
the sky
was the dying note of piano;
when we took a boat,
heard the boatman sing
without the sound of flute
he said
songs were too naked
and too exposed.
okay there is a problem there... i don't know know what else to do... :/
-
-
-
-
It's brilliant. like newly polished gold. and yet it has the comfortable feel of old gold bangles. how come? lol
-
-
lol... idk
-
-
WOW...!!! Lovely imagination , Loved da part where U said,"mother sobbed
father’s shoulder became a rainforest
underneath the yellowedsun."
Nicely penned.. Thanks for submitting!!!
Cheers
FJ
-
this is just too darn good
.
love it.
meg
,
-
Ah, and this is a serious contender I think. Fantastic work sis.
-
I loved the imagery I found in here. Well done, and softly woven.
Adding your comment:
1 - 11 of 11
