Blood,
dripping from the warrior,
as he limps away from the battlefield,
the pain he feels,
like a monster ripping his flesh off his body,
he cries out in pain,
but no one hears him,
he leans on his sword,
but then he falls,
as blood rushes down his head he coughs,
he drops,
its over.
A contest entry
- gold _ co-sponsored by aj morelli by Cat.
1150 points, ended September 14, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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this i good. - you started me on this journey but dropped me off before anything really begun. I WANT MORE! i think if you expanded this it would be awesome... just a thought.
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I really like the fact that you used metaphor in the midst of this piece- a monster ripping his flesh off his body is very vivid and a good use of it.
I almost wonder how this would read if you were to eliminate some of the he's and hims- i think it would showcase the story more
almost like cutting the fat from a steak.-
glad to find this here.
thanks so much for the entry
m
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