Stepping through the skyscraper of months
lets stop and look in on September
its the nineth floor please Mr. Elevator Man
Tease us with your feathery flakes of snow
over veils of red, yellow and oranges
tickle us with your cool kissing breezes
Harvest is in full reprimand
veggies simmering on lace table clothes
corn blessing cows and farmer's silos
Yet it is cake and hot chocolate time
soothing and cozy by fire's blaze
all saying Happy Birthday in September
A contest entry
- September by Saffron.
800 points, ended September 15, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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This is pretty--I like how it hints of October with the reds and yellows, frosts and cooler weather.
Thank you for writing this for the contest, and leaving me something nice to read on my birthday
Saffron
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I must say I'm impressed, which doesn't happen often when it comes to poetry. The title of this piece made me think it was going to be some 12 year old attempt at a poem saying "happy birthday", but I was immensely mistaken and was corrected by the first line. Well done!
The only possible improvements I can see is to perhaps change the third line to read something like, "to the ninth floor please, Mr. Elevator Man" which simply makes more like natural speech. Also, the fourth line seems to be a bit grammatically awkward. Changing tease to teased or to tease us or something similar would fix the problem (a similar problem goes on with the world tickle a few lines later)Lastly, the word fires should be fire's in the second to last line.
Other than those minor little changes, which really, are all at your own discretion to do...the author is always to their own in poetry. I only put my opinion out there. Again, I am impressed with this piece. Thank you for sharing!
-Thefallout
www.theeverlastingfallout.com
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