In pictures
space seems black
as obsidian,
lifeless, cold -
but only the wayward know
colors radiate through the galaxy
an explosion of prisms
from nebulas and supernovas,
from energy obliterated into light
at the edge of a black hole,
and from mysterious planets' rings.
Life in space seems evanescent,
but we are thousands of years behind
and the moon knows
every newborn star will
long outlast our existence.
We've exhausted all hope
and vitality on Earth -
no biogenesis survives as
we tire of the visceral life,
so our eyes dart in panic
to the velvet blanket sky.
Lightyears away
across the universe
a red planet waits -
unexplored terrain.
So ascend the heights
of confinement with me -
we'll rocket beyond the sun
through the colorful expanse
of the Milky-Way,
our trajectory flight targeted
within the fleshy core
of a freshly beating heart.
Author notes
Prompt: from picture.
Okay, I know it's odd. I'm on a weird kick lately - what can I say?
Hope this will work Islekine!
Wasn't really a pre-write - I wrote it for this contest, but my computer was acting strange. Long story. LOL.
A contest entry
- Planet X by islekine.
300 points, ended September 16, 2008, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you really think. Criticism welcomed.
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Such beautiful imagery here! That last line blew it all out of the water for me. Upon a quick reread...that first stanza IS SO AMAZING, and the rest are so true! I just bask in the words here, I have nothing to criticize in the slightest.
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Nice title, so fitting for the write. I liked this journey, the demure dispair and burgeoning hope in your close. Makes me look inward for some reason, rather than to the sky. awesome poetry.
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HOODWINKED !!!
What a wonderfully imaginative and thoughtful write on the subject of space, the ehaustion of our own resources and the possible migration to a new planet home. Wonderful selection of words that enhance the splendid imagery you have crafted.
Congrats on the Silver Trophy.
You have been Hoodwinked by the Poetic Bandits because WE CARE!
Dennis
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I didn't think it was necessarily odd (OH, maybe that means I'm odd!) There's truth, sad truth, in it. The greed and selfishness will surely destroy our planet, it's out of control.
I love the end, a propect of a new beginning, in an unknown place and an unknown time...
Your writes are truly unique!
♥
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Mahalo for such a great entry!!
There were three top poems here...hands down...it was difficult ranking them....thanks so much...I really love this!! What can I say? except ...Happy Silver...
as soon as I get there!
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Thank you so much for the silver! I am soooo honored!!!
Wonderful contest!
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Ground control to Major Tom
Well thought out. Ok, let's rocket outta here.
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totally unlike you
but great as ever
You make me want to read Asimov again -
I love the title & how it's not mentioned in the poem...you seem to have an affinity with mentioning science in your poems lately...
Those first four lines are perfection. What a frucking awesome way to use 'obsidian'--that word even SOUNDS cold & lifeless, as you say...
"but only the wayward know"
Damn, I love the way you used 'wayward'--like...crooked, or "abnormal"...It implies (to me) like some secret pact made by all the cool weird people in the world & the special wisdoms they share...LMAO.
"an explosion of prisms
from nebulas and supernovas,
from energy obliterated into light
at the edge of a black hole,
and from mysterious planets' rings."
I'm of 2 minds with this ditty.
The first...well, I think you've managed to make a clear metaphor...chaos & such was my interpretation. I like metaphors I can (or think I) understand..
The second is that I think you mentioned well, a LOT of scientific things and I think you could've had the same meaning without "name-dropping" so many well...things related to planetary accord & made it snappier that way.
Maybe...
I LOVE the word 'evanescent'...
I think you know why I do.
"and the moon knows
every newborn star will
long outlast our lives."
Ooh, one of my favorite parts here...I love the meaning & the way you involve the moon here. I wonder if 'lives' could be replaced with 'existence'.
I don't usually suggest words that are longer than the original one...but in this case, an extra syllable would be groovy.
e.g. "long outlast our existence"
But...that's just me.
Really liked this part.
"we tire of the visceral life"
Another line I liked...the way you used 'visceral' & "we tire"--it's just so damn poignant!!
S4 is perfection.
I really think it is--I loved the double meanings.
I'm wondering if "straight into" could be substituted with just one word--'within' (did you see that suggestion coming? LoL)
Just my personal preference, not only because I like the word 'within' but because it sounds more elegant (to me), it's snappier, & it sounds more ethereal, like the rest of the poem.
Jessica
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I always love your suggestions. I definitely agree with what you've said, especially using "existence" instead of "lives."
As for the end of the first stanza, I didn't mean to use scientific words - in fact, I was trying to avoid them where possible and use more simple ones. I just don't know any that will describe those events without the science. Any suggestions?
Haha... actually, I didn't, but should have. In fact, I should have thought of it myself.
Thanks hon
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Well, it's probably my own personal pet peeve about the scientific/science-related words, not anything you've written LoL.
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Ah, I love surprise endings. And yet, what could be more true and perfect. For, it is the absence of love, I think, that causes us to not see things the way we ought, and thus our behaviors follow suit. But is we could all travel to the "red planet" then our perspectives on everything would by definition change, and again, it would be reflected in our actions. Love this bit of oddity.
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How interesting. I like your take on the prompt and I have never seen you write in this genre before -- there is a definite science fiction/spiritual element to this.
Very well done. Good response to the prompt.
Garrison
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Thank you
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Brillant
Excellent take on the prompt
You really stretched your imagination to the limits here and painted a vivid image.
Even though this may be fictions, there are parts that are profoundly true and eerie as well...
"We've exhausted all hope
and vitality on Earth -
no biogenesis survives as
we tire of the visceral life,
so our eyes dart in panic
to the velvet blanket sky."
Sadly, these are the times of our lives
Well penned
Wish you the best in the contest
Take care
David
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I am blown away by this one. Sometimes, you delve into the clinical and/or scientific vocabulary and it can detract from the visceral passion of the piece. While you did get a bit technical in your jargon (evanescent, biogenesis, trajectory), it didn't get in the way of the humanity of it. I loved the ending! Being familiar with your work, it was not what I expected and was exceptionally pleased--nay shocked--at where you took this. If this were my contest, I think I'd have my winner! Best of luck with it!
~woof
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Awww - thank you!!! I finally impressed you! Yay!!!
Yeah, I think I'm just tired of being so... negative and depressed all the time. I want to be a better version of me! What better place to start than with my poetry, right?
Thanks
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Glad to see you busy- you stack words like you don't care if the whole woodpile falls! Lots of subtlties and the damned things stands in the end.
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LOL!!! Thank you!
That's good... right?
It's a manic thing.
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