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the weight

 

 

 

 

 

my sister lost her life
at the end
of my third summer

but did not leave us

she sat at the dinner table

in her vacant chair

seen in reflection on the dark seas
that were my father's eyes

she pulled him toward
the deeper waters  

an unrelenting undertow

i called to him
but the voice of the dead girl
was always louder than my own

absence is so much more
than emptiness

a weight too great
for simple bone

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 50 of 50

  • ccawley gold member
    October 17
    Edit | Reply
    Amazing!


  • Peteskid gold member
    July 12

    Edit | Reply
    such a compelling narrative, life and death and the way it changes many things, expected some unexpected...and we all live a little different ...PK


  • decode
    June 23

    Edit | Reply
    wow. this is very deep and haunting in a way.
    no wonder it won gold; it was definitely deserved.
    congratulations and thanks for a great read.

  • x26ss
    June 17
    Edit | Reply
    great poem, thanks for sharing


  • Mariana gold member
    February 6

    Edit | Reply
    I don't know quite what to say. Your poem touched the very core of me. If I can...in the future...write with such powerful simplicity...then I will have reached poetic nirvana. This is so very beautiful...hauntingly so. Bravo!

    Mariana


  • ItaloEtkin
    February 3

    Edit | Reply

    WOW!

    first off, love the font.

    secondly, the imagery was absolutely incredible.

    "she sat at the dinner table
    in her vacant chair" <--- that is indeed the best line i have read in i don't know how long.

    great poem, sir.

    nothing but respect.

    -italo




  • Nangaleema
    November 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "she sat at the dinner table/ in her vacant chair
    seen in reflection on the dark seas
    that were my father's eyes" - this is lovely. i admire the economy of your work. brevity with gravity. great write. - NANGALEEMA


  • nancy drew
    October 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    oh my god, this is so sad... i have no words.

    -helen


  • Leonura
    October 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Beautifully written with such memory that haunts the reader. truly sorrowful.


  • Utok Bulinaw
    October 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply


  • silkypoet
    October 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    absence is so much more
    than emptiness

    so true, I never realized until my husband passed.

    I really liked this

  • Rowan gold member
    October 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    how capturing this moment is, al.
    So sad and for too many, so real.
    Congratulations.
    I can't believe I missed this one.


  • bird at rose
    October 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Such a captivating metaphor for how this situation pounded

    The title highlights the last line well, like someone saying you can handle a 50lb watermelon of grief when the number really is only half.  Your third line portrays of warm, care-free happiness, and you've went your first few learning years feeling a secure rhythm. Then the structure of your relishing collapsed. I was astonished by the gravity of weariness you imply in, "she sat at the dinner table in her vacant chair." The place of eating may mark a metaphor for all the things you used to play out together. The physical cold turkey into solo doesn't wipe out what you still see, await and depend on inherently, as well as she never leaving your memories.

    The next two couplets, which are my favorite, weave the past innocence of the pacific hue in your daddy's pupils to action... now the bond in her event became a hallmark enwrapped in his own sight, and cast you both into a risky tide of watery tears ~ "an unrelenting undertow."

    "was always louder than my own" speaks of silence, the agony over her thrusts for her to visually come, and he couldn't hear your own self, because the heartbreaking news was already absorbed. I know myself in elsewhere anxieties, that won't cool off enough to become shareable without ranting.

    This also relates to my mamma and the lasting pressure of her miscarriage, congratulations on gold,
    Daisy


  • LiMarie silver member
    October 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ah God, this is so simply gorgeous, I love the fact that you keep it so spare, it's something I adore about your writing (and strive for in my own, less is truly more!) and weight is just the perfect description of that horrid loss and it's effect on all those left behind.. Heartrendingly beautiful, well deserved trophy!


  • xxleannexx
    October 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    thats beautiful and so sad


  • birch
    October 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    beautiful, always inspiring.


  • mayaa
    September 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "absence is so much more
    than emptiness"

    A fact, so well said. The way you speak is just amazing... excellent, excellent poetry.


  • afroqban
    September 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    amazing is all i can say


  • x-dont -ask-me-x
    September 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    thats is so amazing and touching and wow


  • Lj-
    September 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Really pretty in all its sadness.

    Congrats on the gold.


  • jantastic gold member
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Okay my mouse is doing some strange thing and my comment keeps disappearing... it goes something like this:

    this is one of those pieces that leaves me wishing for something poignant to say yet somehow speechless...

    beautiful, sad, universal, and definitely poetry





  • checkmate
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i think i haven't read a better poem in the world. i loved this.

    congratulations on the gold you definitely deserved it.

    -checkmate.


  • Cat gold member
    September 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    yes.

    m


  • knitonepearlone
    September 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    deeply reflective

    wonderful words which pull the reader towards deep reflection and empathy. Congrats on your gold.


  • Saffron gold member
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I don’t even know what to say about this. I have read it several times, and the sorrow, the weight, is almost crushing, as well as the obvious pain. I agree, the ending of this is amazing, and I think this entire piece is one of your best.

    “...the voice of the dead girl
    was always louder than my own”...that just gives me chills.

    This is just perfect, I want you to know that. Thank you so much for entering this, Al.

    Saffron


  • Lord Gegishov
    September 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow! This is indescribably beautiful and deep. I never use that second word to describe anything but water itself, and somehow it is a perfect fit for this poem. I was swept away by the waves. It is extraordinary how you created a three-dimensional universe with so few lines. I am impressed and will be reading more of your work!


  • Night Hope gold member
    September 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply



    Such a magnificent description of pure sorrow, Scribe.

    Beautifully penned.

    Heartwrenchingly so.


  • DogFish silver member
    September 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ...my wife lost an older brother.
    all she remembers of him is a funeral
    and days after
    wishing he was around to play with her



  • IronIcecream
    September 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    I've always wondered
    if darkness is the absence of light
    (like everyone seems to believe)
    I'd say on contrary
    it is its presence


  • Grunts Girl gold member
    September 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    ...always louder than my own....
    a truth within powerful emotion
    sad and memorable


  • katfair
    September 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    stellar poem
    solid yet so tender
    hefty
    weighted
    the gravity of unspeakable loss
    yet you speak it here
    with simplicity that digs in

    sitting with a folder of death poems today & having just written to someone how absence is such a presence, the missing body (this time the death of my last cat this week) is everywhere /
    and nowhere.

    grief wants to read. and write such poetry. it a blessing form for it.
    your poem is excellent. Perfectly worded.
    I am very
    grateful for it.
    kat

  • silverfish
    September 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    still waiting

    profound use of water imagery, so often a symbol of birth or renewal, to darken and deepen the memory of loss, especially as the reader feels the poet's helplessness while watching the weight of memory slowly pull his father under.


  • vieve gold member
    September 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Stunningly beautiful. Your closing lines are perfect.

  • davidwright silver member
    September 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Good write and thoughtfully composed. Happy trails

  • Suzanne Dia
    September 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    amazing the weight that absence can carry -


  • misselaineous
    September 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply


  • Jersene gold member
    September 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I'm speechless...this poem is so heartfelt and haunting.


  • Birchwood
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    What a fantastic metaphor. I feel slightly shaken and number after reading this. Really haunting.

    Exceptional.


  • ArtFullyMe silver member
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    absence carries with it all that was...
    alive in the way only memories can be..


    emptiness is only something waiting to be filled..
    yet both will reduce things to nothing
    and still a mind in agony given enough time.

    love the line breaks and the play on words in this


  • Cat gold member
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    she pulled him toward
    the deeper waters

    an unrelenting undertow

    i called to him
    but the voice of the dead girl
    was always louder than my own

    absence is so much more
    than emptiness

    a weight too great
    for simple bone




    as we talked in IMS- i find this to be one of the strongest poem finishes i've read- it is so strong, and so vulnerable all at the same time.. - the image of those dark waters
    and the undertow which pulled him/ pulls him through..
    and the impact
    it still has some 52 years later...
    unbelievably strong piece- and of course no slouch the opening
    is a perfect send up for the ending-

    this piece is publishable-
    and amazing
    you continue to amaze


    m


  • Allyce May gold member
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The tone you have created is perfect in conjunction with the concept of the poem


  • tara wilson gold member
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is one of those poems I read of yours and never know what the heck to comment.


    this is beautifully written, I feel that need and sadness of a child who's just lost his sister and now losing his father because of that death - and the weight


    "absence is so much more
    than emptiness"..it sure is.


    best of luck, Al..




  • April Renee
    September 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow.

    blu


  • iverbthenoun
    September 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply


  • Thomas Scott gold member
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    precise and painful

    Beautifully built poem, case study in the use of language and metaphor. Worth a bookmark, this.
    Thanks for it.


  • Nicolette gold member
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very beautiful and such a moving poem, Al....one can almost feel the weight here...

    ~ Nicolette


  • Heart Sutra
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Al,

    This poem is so intense and yet it is written with your sparse style which makes it want to scream with emotion. This is the stuff of mastery that come from true heartache. As a parent I am torn because I can only imagine how much the death of a child takes from that parent. And as a friend my heart goes out to you...

    remarkable.


  • Dalaney gold member
    September 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i feel this in my bones...
    love, lane


  • mantis180
    September 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This... actually brought tears to my eyes...

    "absence is so much more
    than emptiness"

    You...are an old soul my friend, and you have known far too much pain, your poetry, when you choose to allow it, shows it, with a deep ache... this is a lovely piece.


  • Cannonsfire
    September 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I have felt this way after my mother's death, her presence filled a room more in her absence than ever in life. C

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