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we are the end at beginning


we are the chaos
in gently-blooming
algae-flowing
seascapes
against the nebulae.

while the rain weeps
confusedly
in linear threads
and fern-fingers brush
the corners
of the sky
we fling ourselves
with reckless asymmetry.

galaxies disappear
in eye-blinking
twitches
of newborn time-keeping
wrinkles
and green-gray-purple-blue bruises
apply beauty to peace
and form a mannequin
of dissonance.

in subdued shadows we
are garish
and shrouded in the glow
of sun-moon-man
we are broken
and we are perfection
for we were created
from a shattered-bottle gash
in the universe.

now

with a bang and a whisper
we create
death.

 

 

Author notes

Most Improved, Round 3

Joan Miro: The Birth of the World
http://www.abcgallery.com/M/miro/miro15.html


Notes: I interpreted this painting from the viewpoint of the white, red, yellow, and black shapes, as newly created life upon the background, which I see as the universe. Most of my imagery is based on the background (ferns, bruises, shadows, etc.). Hopefully my main theme is obvious without having to read this, but it was a Pandora's box thing, where I see the colorful shapes as unleashing entropy and disorder in a previously peaceful world.

 

Another brand-new style for me; tell me what you think. And, to be honest, this is the first Most Improved entry that I actually like, which probably means that it's terrible.

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • sideways hourglass
    September 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "and green-gray-purple-blue bruises"
    that was the only spot i didn't really care for,

    but i did like this
    "and shrouded in the glow
    of sun-moon-man"

    Your strategy was the same in those parts, but as for why I found the 2nd one I mentioned good: it is unique. The previous part was okay for the image, but how you conveyed it was cliche - a lot of people list colors that way. "sun-moon-man" is original in the way you have used it, metaphorically.

    this was excellent overall.

  • xJustifiablyMex gold member
    September 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent start to this piece

    Good usage of poetic device, those subtle alliterations add emphasis in just the right places.

    There are a few places I'd prefer to see punctuated, but that's personal preference.

    I enjoyed the reading of this.

    Nijole

  • unraveled
    September 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    first stanza- odd but beautiful, the way you arranged the two hyphenated words... i'm not sure if it was good or bad but i like the way the stanza sounded as a whole.
    second stanza- beautiful.
    third stanza- more hyphenations! again, not sure if i like them, but i don't dislike them, i just find their arrangement odd. the end of this felt a bit wordy.
    fourth stanza- i liked the repetition of "we.. and we.. for we.." it worked to your advantage, in my opinion.
    ending- it didn't match the rest of the poem to me, it had a completely different style, not as soft or visual, and it was brief. i didn't dislike it but at the same time i felt like you were cheating the reader out of something good....

    still very well done, you write wonderfully
    -cassidy


  • Age of Rain
    September 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    'we are the chaos
    in gently-blooming
    algae-flowing
    seascapes
    against the nebulae'

    One beautifully descriptive start. I suggest replacing 'the' with another word such as 'soft.' Pretty.

    'while the rain weeps'

    just say 'rain weeps' it is more punchy I think.

    'fern-fingers brush'

    So... that is gorgeous!

    'we fling ourselves
    with reckless asymmetry.'

    This too! (Gorgeous I mean)

    'in eye-blinking
    twitches'

    A tad redundant. blinking/twitches is unnecessary really. I would just say 'in twitches'

    'and form a mannequin
    of dissonance.'

    You are certainly packing this with pretty images aren't you? This is great!

    'are garish
    and shrouded in the glow'

    I suggest:

    'are garish;
    shrouded in the glow'

    'we are broken
    and we are perfection
    for we were created'

    We, we, we... not so much digging that.

    'we create
    death.'

    Almost anti-climactic. Still, pretty damned good. I liked this very much.


  • Mad As Rabbits
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow....totally and completely not terrible!!!!!!

    "and fern-fingers brush
    the corners
    of the sky" This left me speechless.

    "galaxies disappear
    in eye-blinking
    twitches
    of newborn time-keeping
    wrinkles" Awesome stuff there, also sort of reminded me of A Wrinkle In Time, which you probably did on purpose.

    "and we are perfection
    for we were created
    from a shattered-bottle gash
    in the universe." Another fantastic line.

    Your ending was pure genius.

    And I'm going to stop pointing out certain parts now, otherwise you'll have the whole poem here, just in a really weird order I just loved this whole thing.

    Love Always,

    Caroline


  • Viva La Vie Boheme
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The second stanza is amazing! And the final one is just... wow, amazing. I love it! I think I've said this before, but I love the subtle sophistication of your vocabulary. Unlike some people who try to show off with their words. You choose your words perfectly, and this poem packs punch after punch after punch. I love it. One of my favourites, I think. Your title is perfect, too!


  • And Hyetal
    September 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    oh oh oh oh oh! bookmarked.

    Perfectly worded, your line breaks were awesome, and the scarce punctuation worked wonderfully. Your title was a little bit confusing, but it sounds nice, so I like it.

    And I haven't even looked at the painting yet.

    You've blown my mind.

    ~Cassie

1 - 7 of 7