palisades
it's like
I am filled with yeast
rising
in the heat
baking into hills
of green
with parts
that could not ever be
torn out
feeling so permanent
like personality
which we all know
still can be fleeting
swear to me
that you hear the creak
in the top stair
that always breaks
my silence
as I slip through the house
at night
to pull the locusts from trees
and feel them quiver
against my lips,
when cheeks burn pink
like shame
but in reality
we are praising truth
with every knotted
secret exposed,
every scar
turned over like a stone
and piled
to lead you in the right direction,
away
from the hungry days
the blank screens
or the demeanor
you can build
like cold fronts
colliding
with bare skin
it will take time
to get your sensibility
and until then
I am more than just a voice
or chalk
lining your figure
pressed on the pavement,
you and I
we exist to be void
of normalcy
together we contrast
like complimentary pigments
yet I still
can't help but notice
how perfectly
your eyes
match mine
Author notes
looking into their eyes
A contest entry
- .slave to detail. by girl shaman.
500 points, ended September 27, 2008, 18 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
-
and wondered
why
I
care so much
about the imbalances
of your brain
or the soft tick
of my emotions
when all they do
is stir - liked this a lot.
i'm noticing you use a lot of scar imagery. i have some gnarly ones myself.
or chalk
lining your figure - i love that.
SUFJAN ROKZZZ
-
Again, such a fantastic opening.
Congratulations on the gold.
What's more to say?!
-
i adore the title.
didn't much get the AN but im sure its on a personal note. thank you hun <3
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i just love this.. i think the whole poem is done very cleverly. i can chose a favorite stanza.
-
whoosh! this one just took off from the get go and the final lines sent me sailing. I love this. Lane
-
gorgeous!
this is a much lighter poem that I'm used to reading by you
. I LOVE it . You sound so happy in this-makes me love it even more .
I agree with the 2 below me-first stanza could be a song.
meg
.
-
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i'm happy!
-
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the first stanza sounded like a song. agree with danny about the rhythm.
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loved the title. i thought the images in the first stanza and throughout the poem were generally weaker than usual, though i found something else here-i really enjoyed the rhythm here-it was kind of shaky, like jaw-clenched. the entire last stanza i thought was flawless, especially
I am more than just a voice
or chalk
lining your figure
pressed on the pavement,
<3
-
Sigh....I like the fact I know you are dizzy and spinning in a good way
C
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the first stanza was so beautiful, the first four lines reminded me of sufjan, for some reason lol. i love this piece.
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