There is an ache within
mother,
there is a tired, sinking feeling
you can't acknowledge.
I have tried to make you realize
what you've done.
It was like talking to a corpse.
I might as well have done the same
since you are dead anyway.
You have told me
from time to time
that I am not your daughter.
I might have told you how I truly felt
or I may have told you "no"
when asked for too many favors.
It doesn't matter why you said it;
you spoke the truth.
I am not your daughter--
I am nothing like you.
I live for the future
and bleed when pricked.
You live for the past,
you leak out lies.
I wish it could be different.
You had many chances to make things better.
You would rather live in a fantasy world
where your little girl serves you faithfully
and polishes your crown each day.
I am not that girl anymore.
Do I disappoint?
I already know the answer.
I cannot please you
and I will not try to.
You are a false prophet,
a dull mirror.
I will not sing your praises
nor follow you.
I am finally free
though the past still haunts me.
Black ghosts still visit me in the night
reminding me
that I could have been like the rest,
could have been loved.
But I love myself now
and live to render my life something tangible.
Unlike your own
which vanishes when touched
and goes up in smoke when breathed upon.
I feel sorry for you
but I now know there's nothing I can do
to make you see what will never be.
No fairy tale endings
like those you read me
back when I was so young
that all I could see
was what you showed me:
a saintly woman
incapable of wrong,
a selfless mother
sacrificing herself
on a cross like Jesus
but you were never these things,
no
you are still living a lie
and probably will
til the day you die.
In a list
Anyone have any ideas for a title?
Comments
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"You are a false prophet,
a dull mirror."
Hmmm...as for a title suggestion, how 'bout this: "Progeny"?
This is an incredible ache of a poem, my Friend. I will never know what you know, but I do know what I know. I have worn these tired shoes myself, in similar, yet different aspects. My mother was actually quite wonderful...but so tired, it caused a distance between us until I was older & more understanding. I was the 5th of 6 children, so I can forgive any lapse I may have imagined in her care. I wasn't the worst kid ever, but I definitely could have shown improvement. I guess we all do the best we can with what we have to give at the time ~ I try to allow for mitigating circumstances, try to forgive any feelings of harm. It's for my own benefit, as well as hers, I suppose. But I am not able to ask her, to confront her, to seek forgiveness from her for my own failures; she passed away in August of 1999, less than a year after my favorite half~sister. Over the years, I have garnered much wisdom & empathy in the wake of my own disasters.Obviously, a penning that causes introspection, as well as admiration for surviving a less than perfect childhood; there are many who do not ever get past the blaming, the lunacies, the guilt.
May you find peace & contentment in whatever you seek, Lea.
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Just to clarify, the title refers to me bing "tired" as in "fed-up". But I do think your title suggestion is good. I haven't been very good at thinking up titles lately.
I don't know if you know the history with me and my mom. She is a user. Most people, when they hear of my troubles with her, assume they are of the garden variety. They are not. She used me for her servant from 12 on up. I waited on her, cleaned, cooked, etc. I was denied the privilege of both junior high as well as high school. I was secluded and kept from having any friends. Then when I was older, I supported her financially. I was told that I owed her since she had brought me into the world. I was her chauffer as well, because she didn't drive. I have been through so much because of her, and she will not admit any of it. Now that I am older, she continues to try to use me for rides or money. A few months back, after hearing a tirade from her on my voice mail, saying how I wasn't there for her because I couldn't take her to a doctor appt. (I was literally unable, due to my school schedule and my daughter's schedule) I got fed up. I confronted her and was told that I was to blame (as ever). That was it. It was just one more straw on the camel's back. And now her sister, who is terribly long suffering, has also had enough. Sometimes I can't help but ask "why me". I would have loved to at least have one good parent. All I can do is learn from her mistakes and try to do better by my daughter.
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