Here's Your Letter...

This constant rationality
Lonely sheets, and photographs of home
All I want is to feel like I’m anything but alone

You reach for me, but all you touch is a ghost
A ghost of all the things I could’ve been
And now look at what I’ve become?

I’m selfish, inconsiderate, and I hate it.
I feel like this ice is snapping into shards and I can’t make it.
I hate myself for these poisoned dreams…where thoughts of you…
Take second place. And how when I wake up I need to reach for you…
And feel your face. I want my smile to come back…to shine, just like it used to be.

I want these ribbons of fate to mean more to me.
I don’t want to feel numb to the point I can’t breathe.
And my aching hands reach for the phone; two pushes of the button

But I won’t sacrifice our dream for something I could say…
Just never happened.

And I don’t want to lie, for the sake of omission
I would still feel guilty, even though you swear we’re even.
And I see myself beginning to slice into my hope for you…
To give you pieces of myself; anything to make this all seem new.

And if I could have my strength back…To push away and say no…
Maybe I’m the one that’s not giving, and maybe I’m on the road back home.
That road where everything seems haunted, and the road is cracked, and bleeding tar
A place where a person goes, when they don’t feel like a shining star
And more like a carving of initials left in a tree, old and scarred

See? I come back to memories of you…near, wide and far
Even if this carving of us is weathered, slashed, and gone.

So I guess what I’m trying to say
Is that I miss you…everyday
And you’re giving me everything in what you do…Say, and don’t say.
And that I’m scared you’ll see me…The real me, and turn away.
You’ll fall into the ocean without me by your side…
And when the tide pulls you back to shore, you’ll no longer be mine.
That your doubts, fears…everything will take you away from me…
And if I can’t keep you in my dreams, if I can’t hold onto you there…
If I’ve been unfaithful in my heart why do I deserve even the slightest breath of your air?
I’m sorry sweetheart…

Here’s your letter. I put hearts at the bottom and colored them blue…One’s upside down, too; I thought you would like that. And within this very letter…I’ve enclosed my heart this time…And it’s probably staining these pages, and making them hard to see…I made sure the mailman knew, too…I said:

“Please sir, send this away on agile wings, and let it only beat within the arms it is meant for…He means the world to me.”

And as you dig my heart from the cavity of these open, bleeding words…
Know that you, my love, are worth living for.

I love you.