I knew it would come
On that ever fateful day
When you would betray me
Just how you do
Drops falling fast
Cascading out of your mouth
Lies spread like the plague
People falling in its wake
Yet it's not the worst
Stones come flying
Breaking bones, leaving bruises
Your signature style of mess
Your charm is strong
Drawing everyone near in
Only to be cast back out
Wallowing in the murky depths
My hatred for you,
Pure as acid rain
Burns from the inside
Building everyday
The way you string people along,
Like a dog on a leash
They gaze at you with loving eyes
Of a lovesick puppy
You make me sick
Pale flawless skin
Silky streaming hair
But lovable as a snake
A flea that won't leave
From which I will never be free
Until my last breath
You, I will loathe
A contest entry
- Because You Want To Be Challenged, Right? by HagarenHanyou.
900 points, ended October 16, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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This is deep and powerful!!! Yeah I feel your emotion here!! I have been here before and not so fun or so pretty!!! You did an amazing job portraying your feelings!!!! Your words and stanzas flow excellent!!!! Your word choice is fantastic!!!! I LOVE IT!!
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Excellent
If a flea, you can catch and quish it, it will pop.This is filled with much sadness. Never allow another person to so control,your life and feelings they can destroy who you are. I hope better days are ahead, my lil princess. I am sorry, for pain of love can hurt deeply.
Your Knight.
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oh this is so strong but I think the anger made it more intense...when things turn to poison us, we need spill it in our blood for it'll kill us.
Thank you for sharing this.
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Profound and Powerful!!!
This is a good, strong write, and hopefully therapeutic for you!!! Thanks for sharing your muse's brilliance with us!!! Peace, Cyn
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Ew.
There was no end punctuation. In fact, there was only one punctuation mark in the entire piece, excluding the title. Icky. That liberty should not have been taken with this poem. Though your poem did contain SOME imagery, much of it was trite and overused. (i.e. "pale flawless skin," "burns from the inside," "until my last breath," "silky, streaming hair," etc.) Otherwise, the imagery was limited or obscured by your atrocious enjambment.
Your fourth line was completely poeic fact, and your first stanza in all doesn't make a very good introduction.
You know that capitalization of every line isn't necessary, right? Because from this, it seems that you're trying to adhere to that "rule," which they may teach in elementary and middle school, and may have examples of in high school, but that doesn't apply to real-world poetry. There is some controverst about this, but the most common contemporary standpoint is that you should only capitalize the first word of every line if it benefits the piece. Usually, it just halts The flow and doesn't Let the reader discern for themselves How they want the Intonations in the piece to Read. (Awkward, isn't it?) -
I can even begin to tell you how much I love this. The wording is perfect and it brings me back to...Well, it brings me back. It's heartfelt and I can feel the pure hatred throughout the entire poem. I guess Lisapoet puts it best.
Good Luck, my fellow comarade
SatuRn
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I like the way you spew your venom. However, you are still hooked on the guy. He sounds very charming,manipulative, and controling. All the things that make it very hard to leave. I'll bet he is also good looking as well. I have a lot of expierence on my side and these types are the worst. Good luck.
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