Not all who wonder are lost, I walk with pride into
the valley of shadows of my own accord. Thou Shalt
not kill thy enemy, though they do the deed elegantly
themselves. Disgust for those who dwell in my world,
they’re screams of terror, godsend, to ears which hear
only delusions. Like a dark harpist, I pluck the string
so soundly, lest they hear my true intentions, drawing
them closer into the dark I intend, show them now for
whom they truly contend. Without so much of a whis-
per, the darkness will slowly engulf them within. As
I write down my signature with a blood soaked pin,
Diablo hath no pity for those who gladly sin. I accept
his fury with glee, If it is his wish, let all the
fires of hell consume me within. And let my message
be spread, "I am true darkness, let all who know
perpetrate my sins, we are evolution, without the
need for feelings akin. I am true darkness, let all
who know destroy all false pretense, we have no need
for weakness, those who wish to die alone, will die
amidst plenty!"
A contest entry
- Because You Want To Be Challenged, Right? by HagarenHanyou.
900 points, ended October 16, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
Great sentiment.
Bad poem. The language is nice, for the beginning, anyway, but a lot of it reads like a journal entry. This is more fit if you just take out the line breaks and call it a prose poem, since your enjambment is terrible, anyway. You misspelled "their" in your sixth, fourteenth and sixteenth lines. You do not capitalize a word after a semi-colon. I do not see any special significance leading itself to capitalize the word anyway. You mangled syntax in line seven.
After the second line which had some okay imagery, you just went completely downhill. There was little I liked about this poem, though the internal slant rhyme at least gave it a consistent flow.
Your superiority is unfounded. -
-
Yeh...
Used to have a Gaia... haven't used it in a year or so.
But I'll surely look... thanks... -
-
Makes sense.
A sickening majority of the site is dedicated to spammers and idiots. The writer's forum is actually semi-intelligent, most of the time.
-
-
I see...
I see your point, my poem does seem a bit forward. Think If I re-wrote it with a few fixes you could critique it further? I do want to better myself when it comes to poetry. -
-
Sure.
I probably won't go too in-depth yet, though.
And I'm glad you do.
You know the kid site gaiaonline.com ? Well, if you didn't, you do now.
There's a poetry forum there full of elitist bastards like me who'll do their best to undermine your ego. =3 (Oh, yeah, and help you with poetry.)
Serach me out so I can direct you to the good parts:
I'm Aphrodite f l y t r a p.
-
-
Hmmm...
I actually entered the contest for just this. I wanted a blunt opinion. But I dont understand what you mean by Journal entry? I'll improve further I promise you..
As far as my complex... it has nothing to do with my or anyone elses ability to write...
My hatred comes from ignorance...
and carelessness -
-
Good.
I don't like the kids that enter thinking they'll just get praise.
Journal entry as in 'this happens, then this happens, so this happens, and I like this to happen...' Which reminds me, I generally don't condone ellipsis useage. They are meant to describe an omittance, and tend to be the most overused punctuation in starting poetry, besides maybe the comma. A simple period would work at the end of this piece.
I'm glad you got rid of the every-line-capitalized thing before I got to it. ;D
-
-
-
Its a shame that each line is capitalised and the whole thing reads like a grocery list because there are some great lines hidden amongst the padding.
-
-
Unfortunetly...
Word does that to my writting for some strange reason, everytime I write a new line. It begins with a capital..
I'll be more aware and fix the problem In my newer poems. and thank you for your comment...
-
-
I like the ryhme scheme but i don't like how it's set up. It seems to run all together so it's a little hard to pick out some thought, then again that's just me. I did like the line "down my signature witha blood soaked pin though" that really caught my eye.
Good luck!
SatuRn -
Hm. I find there's a lack of words within language to appropriately comment on this write. It was...astounding. There, that'll work for now. Everything seemingly fell into place with a surge of truth & sense.
And about your author notes; would it be considered narcissism or perhaps closer to a reality? Just wondering..
-
-
Hmm, and interesting thought...
No, narcissism wouldn't be the term, I cant say I adore myself. Though I find myself stronger then most, I enjoy watching weaker people suffer...
I'm normally always the one helping others, guiding others, protecting others. At the same time, there's always that part of me... that has no taste for them. and wishes they would just die and save me the trouble... for those who refuse to change for the better... I hope they're miserable.
(Probably not the answer you where looking for; I often ramble) -
-
Well, wasn't looking for a specific answer, just your thoughts, which rambling tends to provide :] -shrugs- Makes sense too. I have a similar view on the matter but probably go about it in a different way than you do.
Interesting nonetheless; thanks for sharing.
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
