oh well boys,
winters on its way.
pack it all in, cause there's not a chance in hell you'll get to
fly
in this weather.
sleepy covers wrapmeup something
wonderful is in the pillowcase.
Thanks for the flowers, dear
but I have my wishingwell
and every september i wish
that it made wishes come true
and if it did
i would love you forever
and it would always be spring
but its not that way
now, is it?
oh well,
looks like winters on its way.
Author notes
mostly kidding 
but sorta not...
A contest entry
- September by Saffron.
800 points, ended September 15, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
The second stanza confuses me. I am not sure who you are talking to about not getting to fly, or why? Are you talking to the birds? Or is it someone? The reason it is confusing is because in the sixth stanza, you are talking about loving someone forever- so you have changed from addressing multiple "boys" to addressing a single person, but there is nothing within the poem that gives the reader a clue about when you stopped addressing the "boys" and started addressing this one person. The shift from plural to singlular does not work for me.
-
-
Thank you for your comment Danna...
This was more along the lines of a stream of concioussness sort of write... more to do with the feelings and emotions that I get from September than with any real situation.
I understand your difficulty, but with respect, am happy with the poem as it stands
Thanks to you for taking the time to read and comment.
-
-
The metaphor of the changing seasons and the changing attitudes in a relationship are not new, it's kind of cliche, HOWEVER, you write about it in such original terms, with the whole idea of having a wishing well and wishing for it always to be spring, that it sort of pushes away the cliche and brings about a whole newness to the poem that makes it sparkle. Congratulations on a piece that is well done and wonderfully thought out
-
i was unsure of the ending & beginning stanzas, something just didn't do it for me.
However, this stanza was profounly inspired.
"
Thanks for the flowers, dear
but I have my wishingwell
and every september i wish
that it made wishes come true" -
wonderful travel of the season through your beautiful poetry with an impressive flow in it..I love it..thanks for sharing it...well done..
-
September always used to be my favorite month, because for me, it was always more of a month for beginnings, even more so than at the beginning of a calendar year. But, I can relate to your sentiment with this right now.
"i would love you forever
and it would always be spring
but its not that way
now, is it?"
I am so glad to see this in the contest, and I thank you for letting me read this on my birthday.
Saffron
-
this is perfect. I love the way it fits together, every word and phrase neatly tucked into one another.
I think the theme that September is this transitional month (the gatekeeper of winter) is a wonderful take on the prompt. Fantastic job.
"sleepy covers wrapmeup something
wonderful is in the pillowcase."
These are the most beautifully constructed lines I have ever seen on AP. or ever for that matter... (although ee cummings' "i carry your heart" is the ultimate construction) Cheers and good luck in the contest... you deserve the gold
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
