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thanks for the sex

Your signature betrays you
bleeding pure
heartstuff

heartlessness
into gladbags
and handrags

ragging into
tight money coffin's
nail.


betraysignature

pure
string
drawing

the darkness out from the hole
fffuckwittt
I N e eded you to feel this
but you
sing
string
etrangs

rage into mornings light
released
like a bushel of flowing
cum.


farawa            y

a      way could be made clear

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Anna Kay
    September 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    What can I say? I simply love this poem, not only because my gut-feeling compels me to, but moreso because it's simply GOOD. Very beat-like in a way, interesting and reduced. The opening lines are fantastic, and I dig the bushel of flowing cum -- great image if you ask me. So before I keep rambling here, I just love this poem -- period


  • Meej
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    oh wow...some pent up anger unleashed in this poem...i love the flow, its got a real raw, rap feeling to it. good job.

    oh and good luck :-)


  • SatuRn Grotesk
    September 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I find this a little hard to follow. I get it and i like the freeflowing way it goes but it's a little hard to follow is all. my favorite line is "heartlessness
    into gladbags
    and handrags"

    It sounds right to make the poem all fit together. Good luck...

    SatuRn


  • HagarenHanyou
    September 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Sweet.

    I love mindfucks like these.

    Only a couple points that I had an issue with: the listing of the words (5th stanza) because though your poem is random, there is a cohesive element not present in that stanza. The 7th stanza could use better flow near the end. Haha, I don't quite get how "bushel" can be a measurement of cum. xD

    Other than that, and this is just a suggestion, you could put a double stanza break between the last stanza and the penultimate.

    • Lugh
      September 6, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thanks for that! I liked writing it to be honest!
      I'm not gonna touch the 5th stanza. That was how the poem started! and I was thinking of a pure string of 'heartstuff' drawing out darkness....

      You are right, the 7th stanza could do with some work...I'll have a think

      thanks for the contest! I enjoyed

1 - 5 of 5