I long for a lover;
wistful lips poised poignant-
parted before stars
ebony sky stares blankly
as thoughts of you
tread lightly along these fingertips
of mine
what legacy has fallen?
and are your mountains mine?
thoughts pause across
the gulf
where darkness shed its wallows;
and like a comet
I plummet into its reality
and dust and dreams and desire
are soft against my skin
oh how I long
for a lover:
an ancient breath
sighed sweetly as
the last vestiges of fantasy
pale from this fleeting night.
A contest entry
- September by Saffron.
800 points, ended September 15, 2008, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Review Desired.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Such poetic longing... beautifully done. Congratulations.
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I really like this piece a lot—it is so beautiful and full of soft fantasy and wishfulness, and yes, longing. The only line I question is “and are your mountains mine?”—to me, it reads a little awkward, and I am not really sure what you mean by it. That’s my only nit with this—the rest is quite lovely.
Thank you for entering this into the contest, and thank you for leaving me something so beautiful to read.
Saffron
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one of your best - I love this poem so much
"thoughts pause across
the gulf
where darkness shed its wallows;
and like a comet
I plummet into its reality"
I like every stanza - but esp. this stanza, is very strong, and written beautifully
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Can you hear the sigh drifting your way? this is so lovely. Love Lane
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WOW!! I'm almost speechless! It's amazing how much I can relate to this poem. I completely understand how you feel.
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Good!
I enjoyed this poem, lots of emotion put into it...good job
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A lovely piece wrapped in the elegance of love, forged in the red hot steel of your pen. Wonderful! My best wishes always.
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This is gorgeous. I love the diction - the soft sounds are just so serene and soothing. Yet emphatic harder sounds really force the reader to digest certain feelings
dust and dreams and desire
Ah, what a wonderful line - full of feeling.
Ancient breath. I love that. I think of the eternity of the universe, and the age of stone - the foreverness of the speaker's dream partner.
Are your mountains mine
Oh god, I think that gave me an orgasm. That is just such a wonderful metaphor, seething with ambiguity. Mountains...
Breasts? Do you compare her to the planet and all its beauty? Is she this challenge to reach, yet with it you have the infinity of the world? I do not know. But I love it.
"The gulf" seems really unclear. I really don't know what the speaker is referring to///you as a writer are writing about. I believe it is another expanse (and if so, another wonderful use of the spacial dimensions)
Now I am wondering if the mountains are some fictional lustful dream, a whimsical concoction...because if the gulf has a reality...(as the reader can assume through the comet simile) what are the mountains? Are they metaphorical for something dream-like, surreal and fanatical, or are they too a reality.
This poem made me think a lot. It's absolutely amazing.
My only problem is the "oh daddy" part...it does indeed seem out of place. Oh well, it's trite.
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oh, daddy - seems out of place but is darn amusing. I am most likely not privy to something of it's meaning.
It's a shunning poem.
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awwwww Marty *sighs* this is beautiful to me, but sad.
all your imagery focuses on the darkness of the night, no glow from the moon or any light (other than stars) for hope. *sighs*
to comment more on the piece itself...
I always have loved the use of the word parted when concerning lips and love. It's a little word that more focuses on the emotion for me putting the moment into more of a strobe light than just saying kissed, or something else more rushed.
The imagery in stanzas 2 and 5 are my favourite - well, most particularly the 2nd one, I really love that one.
The "oh, daddy" part just made me go.
As you know already, I really enjoyed the parallelism between the beginning of the first and last stanzas. And the end made me sigh and want to hug you all better.
*hugs* I love this, I do.
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There are quite a few instances that look like you pressed the 'space' bar 2x, as opposed to just once...not sure if that's intentional.
"poised poignant"
The best alliteration I've ever seen from you...I really do like it.
I'm picky about my alliteration...and I likey this one.
I found the "oh, daddy" thing a bit creepy...is this from a girl's perspective? But then again...that probably has less to do with that line as to me just finding songs & the like using 'Daddy' for some...strange pimp-like figure. LMAO.
"thoughts paused across/the gulf"
I like this one because it feels one part abstract, and two parts awesomely understandable. I can actually see this...I love this personification.
"into its reality" makes me think it's a separate reality from what you've believed before...my interpretation is probably wrong, but meh...I have fun with interpretations.
'fantasy'
Should be 'phantasy'...
LMAOLMAO just kidding
Good luck
Jessica
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It was a intentional. Daddy was meant to be Dad, father, etc. Not *sexy bitch voice * ooooohh daaaaaddy. And I DID want to spell it phantasy...but I just couldn't make myself... *sighs* Thanks muchly!
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LOL! now the secret's out: you want a sugar daddy. *giggles*
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LMAO sexy bitch voice...
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