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The Immortal

It's rushing.
It's anger.
It's outrunning the hunger,
And looking death in the face.
The fury,
Like thunder,
Clashes from far and wide,
And with a smile fit for a king,
Takes death all in his stride.
And through the courage and the cowards,
Destiny will take it's hold,
He'll take his many strides in life,
Never growing old.

Author notes

All due respect to critics of this poem, it does make since to me. perhaps that is because i wrote it...
And also, in the fact that I have repeated "it's" too much, in 13 lines i used it 4, and out of 59 words total i've used it 4. As for the word stride, i used the actual word once and the next time made it a multiple.
Again, thank you for your honest critique, but i felt the need to explain myself.
~R.

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Riamh
    September 12, 2008
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    To me, it seemed that the first 6 lines did not fit the rest of the poem and the repetition of "it's" was too much.
    The second part of the poem was, in my opinion, very good.


  • Elrenia
    September 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I am not sure what kind of comments you are looking for, but I have a few pointers.
    First, I feel you overuse a couple of words: it's, stride.
    Second, your sentences are to clipped at the beginning, then overlong towards the end.
    Third, the line "And through...cowards," makes little sense.
    I find it hard to figure out the theme of this. I think with work, it will do fine, but as it is, it leaves me wondering.

    Thank you for sharing.

    rous


  • laurel
    September 11, 2008

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    I agree that this poem has excellent flow.
    I loved the rhythm in the first and second lines and again in the sixth and seventh lines.
    Thank you -
    laurel


  • Guineveres Analogy
    September 11, 2008

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    Masterful!

    I enjoyed this poem. It was very bold and has great flow. I like the visuals you portrayed with your wording. Very simple, yet powerful.
    Peace. I can almost hear thunder or a drum roll!
    Jen


  • Walls-within
    September 7, 2008

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    Very interesting poem, and I am not quite sure what I think about it. The imagery is amazing, but the way it is written seems almost pointless to me. I think it is very well written, so...well great job on this, you have amazing talent.

1 - 7 of 7