my head
is in my heart's mouth
impatient
for the rabid touch
of teeth
again
Author notes
Edits: 0 - otherwise ... nyet
A contest entry
- dragging a dead deer up a hill by the atlantic.
1000 points, ended September 16, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think (Critical Honesty Appreciated)
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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bitter self...
and in anguish
this poem
digs deep
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I also thought the "is" could go at the beginning...But I can tell you straight up that this is very strong writing. There isn't much to critique honestly and too much tampering, you might as well not write a poem at all...So, careful with edits, seriously. I don't think the "my" should go, but the "is"...That's the weak link here tying it all together. It just seems so unneeded. The separations between thoughts allow for more impact...Especially if you are a connective reader and you find certain words pleasing to the ear...Like "teeth".
Yes, it works, but don't play with it too much Kate.
;
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I like the title a lot, and of course the poem. I like the implication of sickness too.
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you could probably lose the 'is'
because in and is are similar ..meaning when you're in you 'are' which is what 'is' is saying..
at least that's how it works for me.. although I see Rowan suggested losing the my.. not sure how you'd work that without rewording those first lines..
myself, I don't mind seeing repeated interjections.. I like the way they reinforce things..
also like the way this gets straight to the bite..
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I thought about writing for this, but the fact that I have dragged dead deer up hills, my metaphor was broken.
I could never have done it this kind of justice. Of all sorts of poetry, shorts give me the most trouble.
For me re-reading this is a total clinic on huge little poems.
Just amazing.
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Quite the feast you offer your mind --
Not so sticky sweet as it is cloying
& I have a hunch a bit hard to swallow as well
Hard for me to crit when there are so few words to start off with -- feels like taking poetic shrapnel out and leaving tattered ideas behind somehow.
Right, yeah. I have no critique on this. I won't apologize (not allowed), but if I see anything later before OR after any edits you make, I will stand up and let you know.
feed your head
and your heart will follow.
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wtf!!! well i differ from kathleen about the "my" word. 'heart's mouth' needs to show a narcissistic air or possession (i like self importance above all things maybe not but what the heck i like that line)!!!
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I wonder if you could lose the second 'my' in line two? Other than that, I really liked this one, kate. Says all it needs to say.
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Right now I can't figure a path to reword it. When I'm a bit more aware I may try
- thanks for your good eye
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