september sighs slowly
as her moods swing left and right
and as i sit in my chair
my soul exposed and my nerves hungry
with rain and heat waves
dancing like story-time animated shadows
between strangers with
high collars and red umbrellas
i slice my smile into bite-sizes
and september’s moods fit in with mine.
A contest entry
- September by Saffron.
800 points, ended September 15, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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This is truly wonderful
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I like what I think you are trying to capture here--for me, September was (is) always a month for changes, and I can see that undertone in this poem. I like the line "i slice my smile into bite-sizes". I would consider looking into the amount of "and"s and "as"s you are utilizing, so it can be even tighter and better.
Thank you for writing this for the contest and for helping me celebrate my birthday.
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"and as i sit in my chair
my soul exposed and my nerves hungry"
+
"
i slice my smile into bite-sizes
and september’s moods fit in with mine."
perfect. it is absolutely perfect for september.
this is my september, anyway.
if you don't win gold something is wrong in the world.
♥
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