When no one was looking
He held me so close
Buried the keys to my sorrows
Painted my days, rainbows
Nightmares, grief, doubt
Gone
When there was just us
He built me a home
In a secret garden
Showered my skin, dreams
Joys, faith, affection
Found
In the presence of the world
I was his smartest student
Suddenly chasing after
The colorless rainbows
Like me, he left behind
Trust
Lost
Author notes
A contest entry
- Mosaic by Ms. Black Eyeliner.
700 points, ended September 18, 2008, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
do you feel it?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
-
ooh i love very sweet and aww i like very very much ♥
-
I liked the use of one lone word, and quite a strak word at that, ending a verse like that is a nice touch.
They certainly help to relate the feeling of emptiness to the reader.
as a reader, I prefered the last two verses - verse two in particular i thought was very well written.
James
x
-
friend
wow evanna, thanx my dear. It was really touching, it described the exact situation. aaaaah u know wat; the sad thing 'bout this is that as i look back to the relation a question comes to mind and breaks my heart ( was it love that he had for me? is he a lier? was it just a short-term admiration? or did i live in a big lie????)
... now that he obviously moved on (or actually while our relation was developing he was already emontionally engaged with his current fiance) i look at myself and wonder did he play me??? did he enjoy hurting me?? is our current ASSUMED friendship right??? what does he think of me? what does he consider me? how does he feel towards me???
... as ridiculous as the situation might seem to those who hear about it i'd like to say that such short-term never lasting relationships can break u a part... may god send me my rescuer soon as i feel like collapsing now...
Thanx evanna u perfectly descibed my grief... -
very catching,
i love the way it's written,
you have talent,
glad i read this.
*dee* -
Your version is much better than FransB's version.
A beautiful metaphor, simple yet vivid descriptions
If it doesn't feel like tearing your soul into pieces, you could consider removing the revelation that it was a teacher-student affair. That way, the concept of heartbreak may apply more universally.
I loved the progression of Found, Gone, Lost.
I loved the rainbow lines.
-
Sad ending?
Very romantic description of an intense, short term affair! Lots of emotion shown here! The rainbow theme and metaphor could be developed more and presened a bit more clearly, in my opinion. Overall good work! Good luck in the contest!
-
This poem is intense because of the situation you were in. Would not have been an easy relationship for the both of you. You've definitely expressed your emotions and thoughts well and i love the choice of words you used because it gave some great imagery.
Well written
-
yeah, i think im feelin it
it is an awesome peice, the secritism goes quite well with the contest! some of the words are so burrried here in feeling, its amaizing how you set this up. good luck in the contest sweet heart!
-
Oeps, for the theme!
When no one was looking,
he held me close, and
buried the keys to my sorrows
painting my days, rainbows;
my nightmares, grief,
and doubt were gone.
When there was just us,
he built me a home
in a secret garden,
showered my skin with dreams -
joy, faith, and affection
were found.
In the presence of the world
I was his smartest student
chasing after colorless rainbows;
like me,
he left behind, trust -
lost
One's poem is a creation of one's own. However, the reader may experience the same write, another way. Here is mine, and should not be seen as an attempt to correct what you have written. Go in peace. I hope that when this ocurred, you were able to deal with its effects. Keep writing. Frans
-
"When no one was looking
He held me so close
Buried the keys to my sorrows
Painted my days, rainbows
Nightmares, grief, doubt
Gone " sweet and great
"Suddenly chasing after
The colorless rainbows
Like me, he left behind
Trust
Lost " i love this
i love this poem great job good luck in the contest
-
It's an excellent piece reflecting on a past emotional experiece. I see a couple things I might change; for example the word "so" in the second lins is superfluous, after the word affection before "found I might use ...found for added drama and the same with "lost." Little things make a difference in the readers reaction to your work. Mine is a habit that comes from many years of writing advertising copy. I like everything I've read keep it up. Happy trails neighbor
-
Very good.
I am a terrible commenter on teacher/student romance. I had feelings for junior high and high school teachers. I was too shy to do something about it. Again, very good write.
Adding your comment:
1 - 12 of 12
