Hold onto the nights caked in smoke
Turning, twisting shadows in the dark
This demon has left its mark
Another night of cigarette choke
Another night holding on to the screen
Clouded and lost in the mist
Scolling through list after list
Where a PC leaves no room to dream
Where the infestation begins
And the smoke covers the light
Holding onto the image of grey and white
Confusing the recognition of all the sins
Confusing words with reality
Video, audio, games, tests
Somehow making sure the user never rests
With lack of sleep as the hefty fee
With a flick, theres a flame
The screen lights the room
Only to be clouded soon
And it all begins again
Author notes
Just an idea. I'm not really proud of it or anything, but, I figured I'd give it a shot anyhow
A contest entry
- A Few Words I'm Sick of Seeing: by Exit-Stage-Right.
1050 points, ended September 15, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Hold onto the nights--holding on to the screen--Holding onto the image
hmmm... an awful lot of "holding on to" here. What I don't get from
this piece is anything to really pull my emotions. The word "Somehow"
in "Somehow making sure the user never rests" is a definite weak link.
"Confusing words with reality
Video, audio, games, tests
Ensuring the user never eats nor rests
deprived of sleep as the hefty fee"
comes across much stronger.
Not a bad entry by any stretch... just somewhat short of trophy material.
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Thanks Jim ^^ I appreciate the critique. I can't say I was confident in the piece, but, I'm glad I got your insight and I'll definitely put it to use in my work
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