how do you shine in wisdom's light
with words of beauty and despair
so that women would come unclothed
and offer themselves as sacrifice
and if I lay beside you now
with the silence as heavy as blossoms
how would we speak with lips sealed in sin?
Author notes
dstreetpoet - words of obsession & fantasy
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW - by Arkbear by Arkbear.
750 points, ended September 8, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - xox She Flys Like A Butterfly xox by Butterfly.Wingz.
450 points, ended October 1, 2008, 17 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites by leander.
730 points, ended November 30, 2008, 147 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
In the
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
I really like the imagery you have here, and the fact you actually let the reader sit and ponder upon your words. I have to admit though that I'm not really sure what message you were trying to bring...
Thank you for entering the contest!
Leande -
this reminds me of something I'm going through right now with the man I love...amazingly written short and yet it says so much...great job and good luck.
xoxox
Tasha -
Hi there,
Although this had such a poetic tone and feel, I have no idea what the hell it is about. The title does not give it to me and the body of the poem does nothing to change that I'm afraid. It could be carnal sin or philosophical sex for all I know. The piece is very short and really doesn't give much away. There are problems with punctuation as well in the body of the text and in the title. You have broken a couple of rules by not putting your theme and POW in the Author's comment. Other than that there is as I said, a wonderful poetic tone and lovely imagery, just not enough of either of it. With some work this would be a keeper.
My scores will reflect my thoughts on the individual areas of your piece:
Title 9.60...I would click on this Title... needs capitalization though.
Flow 9.65....flow is great....nice and smooth -
Depth 9.00....hard to get depth when you can't even figure out the theme, write was too short as well....wanted more..25 line Max is not used -
Theme 9.00..again don't know what it is so hard to say if its good or bad.
Feelings 9.00...lacking... I really couldn't pick up the emotion.
Grammar 9.85....simple but effective, some punctuation and spelling problems.
Presentation 9.65... nice presentation
Uncommonness 9.00...again without finding the theme, I can't determine it's uniqueness or commonness
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.60...I did ponder, trying to figure out the theme, lol
Ability to follow Rules 9.50...you forgot to add your theme and POW to your author's notes.
Cupcrazy’s Score: 93.85
Nice!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
-
Hi there and welcome to the POW
First off I must say that there are rules that are not followed and I really do not know what you are writing about I can make my own thoughts to what it is though I would of also liked to have seen more of it.My score will appear at the end of the contest with closing notes be well
-
Hi, and welcome to the POW!
Rules, rules, pesky rules! White background,
"POW", and theme/topic in AN.
I like this poem. I would like it a lot more
if it were longer, but it does express itself
well in these few short lines.
I can only guess at your theme, since you have
not listed it, and the title certainly does not
give it away.
Speaking of titles..that, if nothing else, should
be capitalized...and I don't quite understand it.
Nice use of language in the body of the write.
Love the line, "with the silence as heavy as
blossoms", although blossoms is mispelled.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to
you in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
Aloha and welcome to POW!
You have a great theme….
This week seems to be a week for
either capping every line…or using
no punctuation…..I think your write
would have read better, had you used
some punctuation…..You have
one run on question…the way I read
it now……also blossoms…..is spelled
incorrectly…..all in all a very nice thought,
but it lacks depth, and impact….
Also you have not put your theme and PO
in your AN. I am just one judge….more
will follow, but these contests are top quality
and really require focus and a bit more depth
to win……Best wishes in the contest…Hope to
see you and your talent again next week.
MY SCORES will appear in final notes….
REMEMBER: NO EDITING once a judge has
commented on your work.
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