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I long for you



I long for you
when it is
a sad day and I
feel like dying. this
is not the
worst that could happen.

you told me to
try and hold on
longer...just
a little longer.
please you can
do it.

and then I
didn't think anything.
just watched and
ohfuck!God!

and it is
cold and broken
on the floor that
I have walked
before. the doors
are locked for
good and

I'm lighting
them all up
in heat and
gasps of
red.

there is
no grass in
the corner of
the yard where
I'm all confused
and just a little
child without
a stranger to talk to.

the world is
crying for me
and it swipes a
finger under
my eyes and
ssh-

this is not
the worst that
could happen.

here they come
to put out the
fire and pull
me away

but I have to
stay and I
have to hold on
a little bit
longer.

you were wonderful
and I can
only run with
panic on
me and in me
and oh;

and oh
how it hurts.

Author notes

the worst that could happen?

nothing, maybe.

A contest entry

Any advice is welcome

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • mum2jay
    December 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Wow - this is awesome!

    "the world is
    crying for me
    and it swipes a
    finger under
    my eyes and
    ssh-"

    I love the way you write, the way you link each stanza to the last one like following thoughts and free-associating...

    You're a pleasure to read

  • luvdrkchocolate
    September 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh man. This is a really sad one from you. It's not a poem that's holding a lot of airs. It kind of just lays down and doesn't care whose looking at it. Lestways, that's the impression that I get. I thought it was very sad and it made me think of times I have felt that way too. You did a good job of expressing yourself here.


    • zillion
      September 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thank you. Sadness is emotion that I'm always really wary of writing, since it's over done and terribly easy to make cliche.

  • piggyback
    September 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, I just love this. One thing that I love about your style is how well you combine day-to-day realistic things, near-cliches, with abstract metaphor. A pleasure to read

    • zillion
      September 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      despite my reply to luvdrkchocolate about how sadness can be really cliche, I think cliches can also be fun to work with when they're used really well.


  • acoustical
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is too real. ouch.

    and it is
    cold and broken
    on the floor that
    I have walked
    before. the doors
    are locked for
    good and

    I'm lighting
    them all up
    in heat and
    gasps of
    red.

    that was my favorite bit


  • charcoal
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    agree with meg's comment

    there's no effort to be clever or poetic and that's so refreshing. it's raw and simple and I feel it.

    good to see you writing again


    • zillion
      September 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thanks. sometimes I don't like to think too much when I write...if that makes sense.


  • sailor ptolema
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    honestly, I've read this 3 times. It gets better with every read .

    incredible.

    meg

    `

  • likeforeignpost
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this was so sad and i was so absorbed by every part of it.

    here they come
    to put out the
    fire and pull
    me away

    but I have to
    stay and I
    have to hold on
    a little bit
    longer.

    yeah, i think i know what you mean. the ending to this was incredible, thanks so much for entering

1 - 12 of 12