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Welcome To The Dollhouse[REWRITE]

Here lies a slightly brittle marionette doll,limbs dangling from her sockets. Tears lay frozen upon her face lingering beneath dark beady eyes. A tad bit broken but equally as beautiful. The dreams she once held high now lays fractured upon the floor.


Her identity is lost as is her voice. Bruises mimic a plague while her face is only sheltered by porcelain hands. Gentle hands brushed against her skin attempting to smooth out the cracks and mold her back into perfection. Those same hands slowly tighten their hold, crushing her to smithereens.


She pushes to her feet trying to find hope so she can start her routine again. She takes two steps to crumble at the last. Hair falls into her plastic coated eyes,shielding her from seeing all in view. Haunted smiles spread across her face as she reminiscences of the times she's fallen the habit she cant break.

Author notes

This is a rewrite of my poem Dance my puppet dance http://allpoetry.com/poem/4363463

 You may want to read it if you want to compare them .
128 words

 

Not my best i may delete or edit it to what i think is perfection =p

A contest entry

Has my writing change for the better since the original poem?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 16 of 16

  • tequillapixie
    February 8

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    This is a beutifully written poem, the imagery is dark, eloquent, and powerful.
    I especiallly loved the first stanza. The assonance in the world "slightly brittle marionette" was chilling.
    Well done and best of luck in the competition.
    xx


  • Symphony
    February 8
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this was chilling - all the descriptions and everything .... just wow.

    I don't know what else to say - there was something about this that really drew me to it - and that makes me happy, as it means I've found TWO poems out of all the ones I've read today to add to the finalist list, yay!

    Thanks for entering!


  • innocence jaded.xx
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    WOW. I really liked this ! How you portrayed the first poem in this one was just completely wow. I can't even begin to describe how well you did with it. Very well phrased, and your imagery & metaphors are raw & inspiring.

    -
    Her identity is lost as is her voice.
    Bruises mimic a plague while her face is only sheltered by porcelain hands.
    ...

    There was something very captivating when I read those lines. Wonderfully penned. Thanks for entering & best of luck to you !


  • swim.x
    September 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow. I don't really know what else to say. Great write I loved it from top to bottom. You held be captivated.
    Congratulations and good luck in the contest.
    Chin up,
    Swim.x
    'A tad bit broken but equally as beautiful.
    The dreams she once held high now lays fractured upon the floor.'

  • Care is Dead
    September 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    like it!!! XD ur awesome!


  • Darkrainshadow
    September 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow! I rally liked it. It kinda scared me. But in a good way. Make sense? lol GOOD JOB!

  • Trapped-inside-life
    September 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    really loved reading, well done


  • ExStAcYkiD
    September 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thats a cool poem. It kindof makes me feel sorry for creepy little dolls...

    im scared... its gonna kill me...
    it really gave me a creepy image...
    GREAT POEM DUDE!!!


  • PsychoAnalysis
    September 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this is amazing. With your words, I could see what you were talking about. The imager was absolutely amazing! You did a great job on this, you are a great poet.


  • songstress80
    September 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    great imagery

    great imagery! very passionate about your feelings in this work...i like the imagery of the doll/puppet...after all, we all feel like someone's doll/puppet sometimes. excellent job! i will try to look out for more of your work and try to read your others later.


  • thefacadeoftheheart
    September 4, 2008
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    good job! actually this was better than good it was fantastical!


  • poetrandy
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Very nice write!

    The doll face image is excellent! The emotions shown here are deep and almost frightening! I like this re-do of your earlier poem and do remember seeing it's predecessor! Great work!


  • Coffer
    September 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    beautifully constucted poem, and great imagery.
    good job!


  • Silent Emotions
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    fantastic imagery in this.

    and what i like about this besides the imagery =) is how this piece held me from begining to end. wonderful job!!!


  • blood drinker
    September 4, 2008
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    thats really great...good job


  • Candy Morphine
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is, yet again, another beautiful display of excellence.
    i especially like the last line buit the part about fractured dreams really captured me to.

1 - 16 of 16