Light cheeks of gentle rocks
Are no match.
Are no use to help
The small steady streams of rain.
An ache of the heart,
The pulling of the soul
Going down,
Slipping under.
There is no time machine
to change the past.
To take all this pain away
From you -
From me.
What was said,
What was done,
What we now all have to go through.
Only lonely in our hearts and souls.
An illusion of the deep depths of
Ourselves.
A yearning of our souls
To get up.
To cry,
To let that rain fall like none other.
This is our reason.
Our strength,
The reason we float along -
With the stream.
Security - in safety.
Strength only Mother will know.
Our smooth gentle rocks -
Refreshed.
Author notes
I'm not so sure about it...
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
The language is soft, the images fuzzy and clouded by rain and fog of memory. Be careful of lines like Security - in safety. that sounds like pizza pie. It is redundant.
This is an editorial note: write in sentences and lose the caps at the beginning of each line or lose the punctuation. It is confusing to read with both. Particularly since you have too many commas.
There is a point about midway in this poem where you shift from weakness and loss to look how much we have and we have the strength and value to keep it too. It is here that the content and structure of the poem need the most work. It is a clear shift and is confusing at first. You can use verses, or chapters, or maybe a single statement as a fulcrum upon which the whole piece turns. I have poems that work with this that I can share if you like. the subject is yours and I am not talking about that, just the way you are trying to share it.
This is a good piece of work. I am happy to work with you on the piece. I think you are going to find that it is well enough written that a number are not going to see anything that needs help at all.
Peace & Light,
Tom B.
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