yes, I did it.
my lungs cracked open,
acid beating
a steady staccato
in my veins;
lightning spit through
blackened teeth,
and belched,
elbowed through the clouds
and branded black scars across
the sky's skin...
the snow widened,
lips of the gashes melting
as it screamed into the clouds
tales of anguish --
and aftershocks.
I breathed in the mushroom cloud
and caught the falling moisture
on my tongue;
this kind of gray
I can live with.
Author notes
Lacuna Coil [amazing band, by the way =]]
Prompt: Thunderstorms in winter
This is what i got out of it.
How I felt the night after my breakdown.
Ugh...
Sorry it's so horrible. I don't know, I can't write anything these last few days. I blame school. It's only been two days and already all of the creativity has been absolutely sucked out of me. Please don't use this to judge the rest of my poetry.
Feel free to DQ.
12/100
In a list
A contest entry
- Winner Takes All: 1000 POINTS!!! by Jasmine Rayne.
1000 points, ended September 13, 2008, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites by leander.
730 points, ended November 30, 2008, 147 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
for a contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Congrats! You deserved it.
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I just wanted to say congrats on a very well deserved Gold in Leanders contest. I know very well he is a great poet and excellent judge of great poetry and winning over 214 other people is indeed a feat that you should be proud of. I don't think I can add to Leander's comment below. This truly is a phenomenal write. Congrats again and have a wonderful day.
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Thank you very much for your beautiful comment. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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Hmm...
This is the first entry I read out of the 200 and some, and to be honest, if all of them will radiate the quality you've shown here, then it'll be very hard to pick a top three.
There nothing really I can say about your poem, except that I love the metaphors you've used, I definitely enjoyed the imagery you've painted and I absolutely adore the alliteration you used, which is a very nice touch of detail.
Just maybe this little thing: never talk in a negative way about your own work. I tend to do the same to be honest, but people have told me enough not to (when I don't really believe them but whatever).
In other words: get rid of the 'Sorry it's so horrible...' rant. It only takes strength of the poem away.
Shoving this to preliminary list, for sure.
Leander -
amaze me..
damn... now here is a REAL writer. I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. your writing style is astonishing.
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oh, one more thing, I like the separation of the aftershocks... nice, subtle touch.
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Lots of good things in this poem, and a couple places I think it could be improved... So I'll give my honest opinion.
"my lungs cracked open,"
"a steady staccato
in my veins;"
Love these lines. I thought this was great imagery. "steady staccato" really draws the reader in. I am really confused about the "acid beating" line. I'm not sure I get it, but maybe that's just me...?
"lightning spit through
blackened teeth,
and belched,
elbowed through the clouds"
I really like the personification and imagery here
I am undecided about the "black scars" part. Although I like the personification about the sky's "skin", I am wondering if "black scars" might be a little too cliché? I am unsure about this part... Part of me likes it, part of me doesn't.
"the snow widened,
lips of the gashes melting"
Love this imagery
"as it screamed into the clouds
tales of anguish -- "
Didn't care for this part. The whole "tales of anguish" is a bit too cliché, and reminds me too much of the same old angst / despair poetry we've seen time and again. I like the idea you are trying to convey here, but maybe there is a newer, less cliché way to evoke that image?
The stanza about the mushroom cloud was OK... but I thought the previous stanzas were stronger in word choice and imagery.
I think the last two lines were great as they were unexpected.
Certainly not a horrible piece. Not perfect, but I quite enjoyed it... a lot, in fact. I think there are a few spots that could be changed to strengthen the poem, but overall, I liked it. I thought it was original. It's refreshing not reading the same old tripe. It's really nice to see someone trying to paint a different picture. -
I LOVED this.. when i read it I was like "my poem stands no chance next to this" This was just exceptional.. brilliantly penned, originally crafted and so full of stunning metaphors.
Very well deserved of the gold awarded.
Congrats on a masterpiece! -
This is such a beautiful poem! I was utterly transfixed by this through and through. Your talent is astonishing!
"my lungs cracked open,
acid beating
a steady staccato
in my veins;"
I love the use of "staccato" in this stanza. I can hear the sharp thrum of a heart pumping quicker at the taste of cold "acid" air.
Great description!
"lightning spit through
blackened teeth,
and belched,
elbowed through the clouds
and branded black scars across
the sky's skin..."
I like the idea that lightning is brandishing the sky's skin. A beautiful metaphor for the darkened days some us have; our lightning scars our own skin... Lovely.
"the snow widened,
lips of the gashes melting
as it screamed into the clouds
tales of anguish --
and aftershocks."
Your metaphors are outstanding. I can feel the pain through Mother Nature. "lips of the gashes melting/as it screamed into the clouds/tales of anguish--". Brilliant!
"I breathed in the mushroom cloud
and caught the falling moisture
on my tongue;
this kind of gray
I can live with."
Your ending is just as mysterious as your beginning with the "yes, i did it." I love this write. You are truly amazing at this! ^_^ Your take on the prompt was absolutely incredible. Thank you so much for entering my contest.
-Lily♥ -
what are you talking about?! this is a brilliant poem. honestly... i love the metaphor/analogy/can't think of the word for it now but i know what i mean and think you do too, lol. sorry i can't think clearly enough now to better say, but i love this poem hun.
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Bravo! Standing in Applause!
Oh you took this way out there and I loved it! Excellent! Very well done. ~Pamela 
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Your topic is:
Thunderstorms in the winter
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