When you woke up dancing in a dream,
Crumbling foundation to space,
Only to reawake,
In a strange hollow place,
Are we who we are or who we were,
When night envelopes the mind,
But then comes the day,
Why so shy?
When lines are drawn but never seen,
A smile is worn to briefly interact,
Not with a person,
But a place we are at.
This cold deserted meadow feels all to familiar,
When you're standing right in front of me,
In the same skin it's always been,
Why then?
When you could turn that medow ablaze with lightning from your lips,
And at the same time make me feel little, scared, and insignif-
I can't stand letting time waltz on by,
So why so shy,
When i can see it all in your eyes.
Author notes
my 1st poem hope you like it.
A contest entry
- CONTESTS ARE AWESOME :D by etoile.
525 points, ended September 6, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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This is absolutely brilliant. Sp mistakes are easy to fix-yet your grasp of the language is so good, I love what you did with insignificant-
and insignif-
I can't stand letting time waltz on by,
That is some clever word play and meaningful prose there. This is very raw and mature poetry, personally I thought:
are we who we are or who we were, worked well, though I can see how spacing may stop people stumbling on it-I love the message, the idea...loving your work dude.
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thank you so much
Your stile can be raw at times too. I think thats the only way to go, nothing better. I'm more than glad you like it.
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for your first poem this is pretty good!
however there were a lot of spelling mistakes which should be fixed.
also by spacing this into stanzas would make it easier to read and make the flow better
'Are we who we are or who we were,'
that line was quite xconfusing maybe splitting it up into
'Are we who we are
or who we were,'
maybe?
overall it was a good poem, lots of nice images
thanks for entering and goodluck
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