The buildings are tar-heavy and the people smell like asphalt.
Dusty shoes, two sizes too big,
are left in a pile under the stairwell.
From any street corner,
there is the cat-screech of September:
Mawwing mouths in apartment complex dumpsters.
Outside, the trees strip themselves bare
to the dirty glare of fluorescent lights proclaiming Jesus,
proclaiming Jesus Saves Us,
proclaiming
Toilet Paper $2.99
Cigarettes burn through calloused fingers.
Frying pans cower in the cupboards.
The linoleum is the color of lemon water and piss.
Red-hooded children catch butterflies in grimy fingers,
and offer them silently to the ecstatic sun.
Author notes
I hadn't intended for this to come out quite the way it did. I don't know what I think about it.
Inspiration: tar
A contest entry
- -Bohemian Rhapsody- by sailor ptolema.
1100 points, ended October 9, 2008, 26 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
"the ecstastic sun"? "an ecstatic sun"? Anything else?
Comments
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I love your use of contrast in this poem. Toilet paper 2.99 is precious. I enjoy your writing!
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This was my favorite poem out of all the entries.
Congrats!
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That makes me blush hardcore fo serious.
And thank you. But I must say, the gold and silver trophy winners were very deserving.
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Oh I liked the gold and silver poems,
but this was the one that struck me the most.
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It still doesn't feel finished.
But thank you. -
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Startling and vivid imagery! Congratulations on the trophy.
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oh i love this. i love it when when poems create little scenes, scenes that are so tangible, i can taste and smell them. i love the grunginess of everything, and how it all sticks - like tar - in the mind of the reader.
thanks so much for entering this great poem.
pt
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I'd lose "dirty"
what the hell is lemon water? I'd just go with piss. Sounds like they are the same color anyway.
I'd cut the last 2 lines of the poem and end on
Red-hooded children catch butterflies
and offer them to the ecstatic (or static) sunlight
Some really good stuff here.
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You've never had a fluorescent light give you a dirty look? Maybe I am losing it after all....but yeah yeah, it might not be necessary. Still tweaking this a bit.
Lemon water. You know. Water, you put lemon in it. They give to you at restaurants and whatnot. I dunno. It was an image I had in my head. Could be wrong. But it is a different color than piss, certainly. I'm thinking a dirty tiled floor.
Yeah, the last two lines were tacked on. I think they're a bit telly. Never never no. Breaking all those poetic rules.
Thank you for the comment. I always appreciate your no-nonsense advice. -
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I adore lemon water.
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I have recently grown to resent punctuation like some beefy guy who likes to hog elbow rests or something...
but, I think you make punctuation work for this very nicely.
Since you used a hyphen in the first line, I think you could hyphens more consistently.
e.g. "Red hooded" could do with a hyphen in between.
Other than that, I freaking loved this!!!
I love the blunt language & statements that feel like true observations..."tar-heavy" makes me think of more than just tar weighing something/someone down.'
"cat screech of September" LOVE that!! A reference to a specific month (or rather, this month
) is just awesome!!
That third stanza has to be my favorite!!
I love the juxtaposition with "Jesus" & the toilet paper...man, I love 2-ply toilet paper. I haven't seen toilet paper for $2.99 for a VERY long time...but then again, I don't do the grocery shopping, my parents do. That third stanza is just...amazing and pretty damn amusing (at least, for me. )
"Frying pans cower in the cupboards."
MAN, that is the best use of personification I have seen in a while.
LOVE.
I think for your last line...the 'when' could be an 'as'. They're both one syllable, so I guess 'as' wouldn't be snappier per se...but I think it'd sound better that way.
Or not.
I am bookmarking...
Good luck--I know what I think of this...I think it's brilliant.
Jessica
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You are a doll. Seriously. Thank you.
I added a few more hyphens. An astute (and appreciated!) observation. It helps some. I'm certainly not done editing this yet.
I am a persnickety user of punctuation, truth be told. Maybe it's the prose writer in me, but I can't seem to drop it. And, honestly, I do quite like it.
As for the ending, I'm considering Ed's advice and nixing the last two lines entirely...which was highly observant (or maybe just coincidental) considering that they were tacked on after I finished.
Again, thank you thank you!!! I do adore pleasant, intelligent critique. -
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I'm a hyphen whore. LoL...well, punctuation isn't a problem if one knows how to wield it like a murderess weapon.
My critique was pleasant?!
Haven't heard that in a while...
You are most welcome.
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Well you didn't glob on the sentiment. But, then, I despise sticky sentiment. All over my brand new (hah! brand new. I don't own brand new anything) shoes. It's just tacky.
But you, you have tact. And not tacky tact. (oh alliterative oxymoron of my dreams!)
And I'd like to think I wield punctuation like a weapon. It can do dangerous things, you know. (I have great examples, but they elude me right now. of course. of horses of course.)
eh hm. And if you couldn't tell, I absolutely adore parenthetical asides. I might use them too much, maybe, but I speak in circles, so it's only logical.
uh huh.
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I told you she rocked.
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Yeah yeah yeah
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You
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Stop that! "I don't know what I think about this"... Bah. Here, let me tell you what you think about this..."It makes the piss and the lemon water look lovely together", which translates to "great poem". Something I have always admired with your work is that you are able to write longer lines, but at the same time, separate your thoughts, so that they display themselves in a way that is meaningful, but also controlled. The cat stanza was marvelous. I will be surprised if you don't place, seriously. I have nothing to critique. Oh and the toilet paper and the jesus imagery was a wonderful way of connecting to completely different ideas...And I think it was a sky way of showing the indifference when it comes to both.
Good stuff.
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A sky way? A sky way indeed, my dear, skyway byway myway.... tra la.
Thank you thank you thank you (per always) for your succinct, brilliant comments. You make me all warm and fuzzy (in the least sentimental way possible).
I've felt unsure of my writing lately. Out of body or some suchness. -
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I kind of thought ed's advice worked perfectly...Go figure. I probably would have seen it like that eventually regardless. Well you can be all warm and fuzzy, just as long as you stay in your body and stop leaving it on vacation.
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