Looking out the window at the new mornings dawn
I couldn't help but whistle, a merry little song.
I felt then like a soothsayer speaking of the ides
A vision came upon me when the sun flared in my eyes.
No desolate Pain,
No joyous gain,
But simply nothingness,
all just the same.
Could this be!
The future of me?
The future of he, she, and thee?
No pain no glee?
Is this the fee,
we will pay for our sinful, murderous deeds.
From the tops of the trees,
to the birds and the bees.
All to be naught,
to vanish simply!
oh why oh why did you send this to me?
Should i beg should i plea,
should i warn them or flee?
If this is my blessing i blindly foresee,
Remove your grand gift,
and let me be free!
From the horrible nothing,
That our worlds guaranteed.
Let that be my gift.
and nothing more, Please!
A contest entry
- My Poetry Posse by Unforgotten.
750 points, ended September 29, 2008, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
hehe i like it alot do you?
Comments
-
AMAZING
I loved this. It was fun. It was playful. The rhyming in it is absolutly perfect for the poem. I love the topic too. Most people write about how grand the sun is, you wrote about it being a blinding light and fleeing from it. I loved that.
You say you still plan to revise, although you won a gold trophy from this. There are a few things I would edit... I would space it out a bit more. Keep all the words the same, but keep it in a four line stanza format.
As well, I would go through a check the capitalization and the grammer, I think it would help the flow of the poem a bit more to make the rhyming stand out even bigger than it already does.
Other than that I would leave every word of this the same. It is wonderful, Great Write! -
enjoyed how it picked up later on as the narrator became more panicked at the thought of nothingness. some of the rhymes are a little forced, but considering you have some 15 lines, fairly short, almost all completely in a row on the same sound, i am still impressed. good times. happy writing
-
nice
nicely done... i'm loving the rhyming here. -
not like love
Love it, this one has to be my fav. by you. Awesome job Taylor write more like this.
Adding your comment:
