Shackled shame
overwhelms all sense
as guilt guides
to abyss of recompense
In due remorse
of chosen course
her hurting hands splay
She'll surrender
all sorrow this day
Author notes
Option 1
20-30 words
In a list
A contest entry
- PIF Quickie Contest!! by Sweet Impatience.
1080 points, ended September 7, 2008, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 62 of 62
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Very dark hun! You last line "She'll surrender all sorrow this day" really stood! Out! Congratulations on the well deserved Gold!
♥
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Wonderful poem. Excellent take on the picture prompt.
Great talent you have, Jackie.
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I hadn't seen this one, it turned up in the "return the favor-" glad it did. Now throw that poor soul a rope. She probably wouldn't try to catch it, huh...
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Yeah.. I don't think she would!! lol
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Oh my goodness
THis to me is very sad for as I looked at the pic and her standing on the ledge pleading its so sad indeed she is so alone
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Wow!!! Love this...
Fantastic!!!
So much said in so few words...
Enthralling narrative with an intriguing rhyme scheme that had me captivated throughout...
Keep up the good work...
Well done!!!
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Thanks
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No probs, it was my pleasure...
Have a great weekend...
Take care,
Fritz........
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beautiful
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Congrats on the gold Sis... Rhyming flow, alleteration and fantastic emotional imagery. This poem is everything we, your readers have come to expect from you. Bravo!
Love,
Amera♥
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Way to go SIL, Gold all the way!!
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Congrats on the gold sis!! Powerfully emotional in so small a space. takes talent to convey so much in brevity and of course you've got plenty
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holy cow! short, to the point, beautiful in its darkness, and perfect flow...yep, you certainly
deserve the gold. Love, Lane
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maybe too easily shedding "blame" but
its simplicity of a deep subject lets you relate to your own closet, justifying some type of self confession.
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congrats on a well deserved gold.... miss you mommmy
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Such a wonderful take on the chosen prompt image here. Very well penned emotion to go along with the thoughts within. Hopeful above the rim. Nicely done!
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Well, Jackie, I'd say your muse has come back in full force, congratulations. This is a spectacular short poem, and it really fits the image well, congrats as well on your shiny. I hope to see many more of those come my way in the future.
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"In due remorse
of chosen course"
this line was put together awesomely.
thanks for sharing....
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beautiful poem
congratulations on the gold
the last two lines are my favorite
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A well-deserved Gold for sure.
I can feel the chains strangling fictional sorrow...
Raye.
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So much said with such a few lines, you have as always woven a great poem, I always find your work so moving, Love JOhn
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This has such beautiful imagery...I love how naturally the rhyming flows - it dosen't seem forced or akward at all! I'm still amazed that you can portray so much in so few words! Great job and good luck in the contest!
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wow did you reaching into my soul.... lol..... great write.... good luck in your contest... i loved it..... hugs mommy
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The last two lines speak out the most to me. They give the poem so much emotion! Such release! Great write my friend!
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I like this! You always have such great wording in your writes. Best of luck in the contest.
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A fine poem, excellent free associaton, and expression displayed through your choic of words. I especially like the way the flow curves to the overall context.
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a brilliant take on the promt fullvery powerful dark emotions good luck in the contest
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excellent!
yeah dark, but who cares? it rocks lady, and so do you!
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Deep, dark and full of great wording, images and emotion. For so few words, you really put meaning into this.
Well done! best wishes in your contest
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What a remarkable work. Twenty eight words display an overwhelming sense of guilt for the reader to grasp as the narrator moves the mind through remorse. Wonderful work.
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Poet
MAkes me wonder why this picture prompt can prompt such sadness. To give up . is not always. Perhaps she just awaits her lover with open arms. Smile poet.
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Wow! A very deep and thoughtful take on this picture. Your words fit perfectly!
All the best with this
gaylene
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It's been a while, my dear. Missed you. As always, you've a way with words. Lovely. Write on and good luck.
Dez
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Guilt can really be a battle for some people. Guilt can really cause all kinds of situations to happen that you're not aware of. Most of the time it's just in their overactive imaginations to!
This was deep and soemthing I can relate to sadly. Been there and understand!
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this is aazeing my auntie
your truly wonderful and deep
i love you -
wOOt!
Your muse has visited! I see the old rhyme has appeared! You've not done that in a long, long while! An excellent write hun, the darkness, alliteration, rhyme, everything is superb! Good luck in the contest but you shouldn't need it
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I guess your muse just jumped up & screamed I'm here with this one. I love it and I think that you did a Brilliant job with this prompt.. you hit the nail on the head with this poem.. I agree with Jessica here with this poem.. dark is your thing and your great with it..
good luck in the contest
kat
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WHOA, I used a LOT of emoticons...
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Your alliterative ass makes me wanna do some alliteration myself...your poems & Mark's always have that effect of "alliterative ass apples angle" thingy on me...hehe.
I'm so glad you're writing again.
And...you entered a quickie?! NICE.
I would've looked & that pic & said, "Oh GOD, not another pic of a desolate girl."
But I like what you've done with it.
"Shackled shame" definitely suits the pic, & like I mentioned first thing...nice alliteration here.
I only noticed the rhyming when I looked down at the other comments!
LMAO
If you start rhyming full-time on me, I will kick your ass.
'sense' & 'recompense'... saying that out loud is fun. Not that I did that or anything...hehehe.
'abyss'<--is it just me, or do you like this word?
'remorse' 'course'
Did Pink strangle you with her rhyming girdle?
LMAO!!!
I think it fits VERY nicely. Hehe.
"her hurting hands splay"
I thought this read slightly awkwardly...maybe it's the adverb ('her', although I don't think 'adverb' is the right word LoL).
I think 'her hurting hands' should be==>'her hurt hands'
It sounds snappier without the -ing sound (I'm not THAT biased against gerunds... I just don't think you need one here).
Or maybe I'm totally wrong.
I want to surrender sorrow...or, I wanna surrender school.
LMAO. I think 'surrender' was a good word choice--that pic makes me wanna rip it up and cut myself.
Okay, maybe not quite, but I'm known to exaggerate.
I think "this day" sounds very formal--not sure if you were going for that effect. "all sorrow today" sounds more natural to me...but not necessarily better, although I think if words sound "natural", you get a better poem.
I'm so glad to see you writing again...
Dark stuff was always your modus operandi!!
Good luck...like ya need it
Jessica
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You wanna read her older poems....she rhymed full time This free verse thing is just a glitch!
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Free verse is the shit! 'tis not a glitch, it's an improvement...LMAO.
Well, I'm petty.
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Thanks
I prefer "hurting" as it makes the emotion present tense rather than past... I do agree with the "today" tho.. lol.. but I do like the more formal this day for some reason!
lol
I'm glad the rhyme didn't distract ya too much then
Oh yeah! I love "abyss" and haven't used it for ages.. so woot!!
hehe.. emoticons
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Yeah, present tense...didn't even think about that--yeah, I think the poem has more impact in the present tense, even if I don't like the gerund in the instance. *nitpicks* LMAO...formality!!!
Your British side is creeping again...
No, the rhyme was not too distracting. God knows I've read a lot of Pink's stuff now.
'abyss' is a cool word.
OMG!!! That's the yellow "kick-ass" emoticon I was talking about a few aeons ago...the guy who's smacking his head...the yellow guy with one hand in the air. How do you do that one?
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But but.. I don't know that emoticon
lol.. unless you're talking about 
?
http://allpoetry.com/column/show/306041
There ya go
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LMAO no you just used the emoticon!! LMAO. I guess I'm not describing the emoticon properly.
You did the emoticon I'm talking about after saying this:
"hehe.. emoticons" [emoticon I was talking about here]
LoL I will check out that column
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Ohhhhh...
* rock *
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You
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Deeply stirring dark emotions both in her soul and in the words spoken. Gripping opening stanza, the phrase "as guilt guides
to abyss of recompense" is both thought provoking and chilling.
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Wow.. And I actually stayed in this contest *oggle* I must be crazy!!
You did such a wonderful job with this write sissy! very emotional and something I can relate to in a different way well done! I loved it!
Angel
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Bravo
WOW! This is an amazing dark take on the prompt
Your few words speak volumes and dark, deep emotions oozes from the page.
Wish you the best in the contest
Take care
David
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OH WOW!!!! This was just brilliantly written!! I am in such awe here...I was going to enter until I saw this and no one could possibly beat this!!! Beautiful beautiful beautiful......WOW!!!
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Why thanks hun!!
Maybe my muse has decided to visit me then lol
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Good opening! I loved the rhyme here, beautifully done. An excellent take on the given prompt and I am certain that you will do well!
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I told people I rhyme!
They didn't believe me!!
Thanks!
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You rhyme?!! Since when?!
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I used to ONLY rhyme!!
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LMAO oh wait...I remember that poem you wrote about being blonde, which rhymed...
It's coming back to me now.
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Wow, what a brilliant piece for
this picture sis! Well done and
all the best to you with this one.
I hope that you do well with it in
this contest!
Jeremy0826
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DAMN!!! Sis, I think your break from here did you some good....This poem touches so many levels! Great job Best of luck!
~Kystal Angel
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it's been almost forever!!! lubbers you sissy!!!
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I know! Lubbers you too!
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