Time's meaning erased, embracing fantasy:
fiery tails traced 'cross skies,
disgraced in mind's eye by
beauty beheld and held gently,
moments well spent reminiscing.
List'ning, expectant--
an echo, mirror image,
found reluctant, but willing,
lusting trustingly,
filling cracks with the balm of your smile;
calm descends,
mending rifts in defenses long untended.
Intentions be damned, I want this;
from the first kiss, I was yours.
So ruin me,
fine-tune the machine of yourself for destruction
and break me; shattered and aching, I wait,
impatiently pacing the corridors of mem'ry,
unfailingly brilliant and blinding, spell-binding:
I stand entranced.
You've always known how to own me;
reach out and take what is yours
for the breaking, remake me
from ashes and pain, and all that remains
will be stained with perfection,
a beautifully tainted refrain.
Author notes
For Jimmi
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This is fairly decent. the emotion and the vocabulary is there, it needs more show not tell. At this moment, I don't think its at the stage of my favs, but if you tell me your ap name and I'll watch your writing, and read it- and maybe in a little bit. But you def have potential and are going somewhere. Thank you for entering.
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this is amazing. I absolutely love it
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Wow...
This is brilliant... you have left my speechless... This is truly brilliant!
Great job!!!
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Damn!
This is so raw and sexy. I have been in that place where you know the one you want won't be good for you and you want him anyway, want to feel alive, no matter what negative that may bring. Perfectly captured.
My favorite parts:
"lusting trustingly"
"Intentions be damned, I want this;"
And the whole last stanza, but especially "You've always known how to own me.
So reach out and take what is yours
for the breaking"
Spot on, old chap ;P
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This poem is striking, brilliant, and interesting. I honestly have little to say because this was just that good. As far as critique goes, I have just a couple things. 1). I agree with tnk below me, and think that "fine-tune the machine of yourself for destruction", in relation to the next line, would be much more compelling without 'for destruction'. As previously stated, it leaves more for the reader to figure out, and therefore involves us more in your lovely poem. 2). I think that in "unfailingly brilliant and blinding, spell-binding", the spell-binding seems to me a little over used, or cliche, or just out of place. It seems like you were forcing the rhyme, and it just sticks out as a weak spot to me (but only because the rest of the poem has been crafted so well).
On to what I loved! "filling the cracks with the balm of your smile" was the first thing in the poem that kind of whacked me over the head with its brilliance, haha. It is a fact of life that just a simple smile can fix a lot of things. Also, this stanza:
calm descends,
mending rifts in defenses long untended.
Intentions be damned, I want this;
from the first kiss, I was yours.
is perfect. I mean, just perfect, in each and every way. I do not think any other poet could capture the emotion in those last two lines as efficiently and brilliantly as you have here. I also like the idea of "a beautifully tainted refrain". The image of it is haunting.
Well sorry for a huge comment, haha. But this is a really wonderful poem, and I have bookmarked it so I can enjoy it over and over again. Well done. : )
- Solaris
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Better, especially aloud
A couple thoughts:
beauty beheld and held gently - I like the thought of this and the phonetic and grammatical play on words but I don't think the "and" fits. I wish I had a suggestion that felt like "Yeah! That's it!" but I don't. Perhaps like Beauty beheld, being held gently ??? I don't know. It just seems so good but a tweek and it's so very good.
mending rifts in defenses long untended - brilliaqnt line
fine-tune the machine of yourself for destruction - I actually like this without the "for destruction" It reads better to me. It leaves more to the imagination when you get to the next line of "Break me"
unfailingly brilliant and blinding, spell-binding - I don't know if the "blinding" and "spell-binding" was intentional but it doesn't read right to me. From a tongue stand point not grammar or anything. I would make it something like:
unfailingly brilliant and blinding, bound:
I stand entranced
As always if I get a little wordy or picky just let me know. Otherwise, it reads much better. It now seems to lead me into the last stanza instead of dropping me there.
I always find your writes intriguing and this is no exception. Good write each time I re-read it. ~ Timothy -
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Not too wordy, not too picky--I really, truly appreciate your words.
I will consider your suggestions, thanks so much, as always. -
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You're welcome.
You seem to always have a "knack" for putting words together in ways that create something more than emotion without losing the "edge". That is an art form that should be practiced and fine tuned. It is one of the skills that makes one writer stan out from another. AND,is refreshing.
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As always, something to catch the mind's eye
I founf the beginnings of the poem difficult to read. Silently, or, aloud. I found myself going back a line to reconnect which I found distracting. Just as I was about to give up, the writer I know stepped in and wrote the last stanza. Interesting on so many different levels and situations. Technically I would find a different word than the second "and" in the fourth line but other than that a provocative collection of words and images. Honestly, I did give up on the beginning but have re-read the end many times and enjoy it more each time. ~ Timothy
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let me know?
I changed the line breaks around a little...tell me if it helps any?
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