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I Can't Change Your Mind

vented to-

fiery words

that soared on your breath

like balding birds

leaving the nest

a gentle push

one bird in the hand

is two in the bush

empty hands

with skin like sand

sinking and sucking you down

even

fish can

find ways to drown

a moment or two

on which you thrive-

theres more to living than being alive

there's more to swimming

than taking the dive

there's more than

no truth

to a lie

there is

a soggy spilt universe

behind each heavy sigh

expectations

were high

you're not

 the reason I write

reason for anything at all

you call that

taking a fall

from

high hopes?

cut the ropes

stumble down the slopes

of a haggard plain

where not a face

will ever known your name

because

everyone

needs someone to blame

your knees torn

you call it pain

but it's sane

to say

you got your way

my feet caved in

eyes carved out

hollowed in

self-accusing doubt

I replay our song

the lyrics

take too long

to explain how I feel

emotions that have come

and gone-

and as I lay broken

and bleeding

 

you still try

 to ask me

 

what

 is

 wrong....

 

 

Author notes

Inspired by picture 12. I'm sick and tired of no one getting it...

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • written-in-ink
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    so i like it

    but its like a little choppy
    idk if that is the word that i want to use

    idk
    i like it

    good luck and thank you!


  • novacaine.
    September 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i love this. it's amazing. && i would pick out my favorite parts.
    but you would just be reading the whole thing over again.


  • logorrhoea
    September 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "even

    fish can

    find ways to drown"

    -This is amazing. I won't attempt to say I get your point. There were many other great moments in this, but the whole thing flowed so seamlessly that I would have to write out the whole thing.

    Bloody talented.


  • CarCrashHumor
    September 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I love rhyme actually, if it's done well.
    and this struck my fancy.


    "like balding birds

    leaving the nest

    a gentle push

    one bird in the hand

    is two in the bush

    empty hands

    with skin like sand

    sinking and sucking you down

    even

    fish can

    find ways to drown"

    "your knees torn

    you call it pain"

    "I replay our song

    the lyrics

    take too long

    to explain how I feel"




  • Janetheplain
    September 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Yeah my bf and I broke up again...but this time it's for good so I am definately getting this. It doesn't matter if people understand because everyone always gets their own interpretation of things. So it just matter how this makes you feel hun. Well I g2g but I loved this. Jane


  • TChaplinette
    September 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i remember when you first got me into poetry you said, "i don't do rhyme..."

    but since you've been in this rhyme rut, i really don't see why you wouldn't rhyme in the first place! your amazing at it. fool.

    i loved this. &&& i can't pick out any favorite lines, because they all amazed me.


    ily&imy!


  • girl shaman
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    hmm
    first off
    "will ever known your name"
    should be 'know'

    now i dont want to be harsh sounding at all but i do want to be honest because i value that in other peoples comments on my own work, and darling i see you as someone who deserves that much.
    as we all know we all grow in our poetry and i see now you have taken favor to rhyme; which isnt bad, but in my opinion it wasnt quite good either. alot of it sounded like.. it was droning on and on and had really no sustanance to the point that you were making.
    i think with a few snips here and there on the rhyming it would definatly flow alot better.
    as for the topic i do believe it to be your strongest one so dont be too hard on yourself, i just really honestly think you should stick to freeverse and please DO NOT believe i am saying that just b/c i like it myself b/c in all truth it was your most beautiful poetry when you didn't have to find something to go along with the end of the sentence.

    <3 ily much dear

  • She Stole My Voice
    September 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "with skin like sand
    sinking and sucking you down
    even
    fish can
    find ways to drown"

    oh my goddd.
    That's amazing.
    You're amazing.
    ♥ ♥


    -Mary

1 - 10 of 10